Get Bamboozled by the College Board!
Issue 15, Volume 112
Picture this: it’s May 1, the night before the roughest three weeks of your life. You’ve downed 20 Red Bulls in the past 20 minutes and cannot figure out what a Python is or what DNA transcriptase means; you’re even struggling to remember the basics of addition. Believe me, I’ve been there, done that. Amid your state of disarray, you remember every now and then that the three-hour-long torture test is approaching and that there’s nothing you can do to stop it… Until now!
The College Board has taken note of all the colleges and universities that are scrapping their standardized testing requirements, and honestly, get ready to save hundreds of thousands of cents, because I have even more good news for your mental health. You know how in the days of yore, you would spend fat stacks on prep books that you would later ruin with your tears? Well, now you never have to worry about that awko-taco moment again, for the College Board has completely done away with AP exams as you know them!
Where there were once pages upon pages of pulpy paper that crumbled when erased more than once, now your only devices are your hands. I’m talking about a game that uses the utmost skill, strength, and strategy: rock, paper, scissors. To simulate the real world, your AP score will now be based purely on your ability to try to strategize in a luck-based game. The College Board will now be hosting nationwide competitions to determine scores. Depending on your final rank, you get a score from one through five. Balanced, as all things in life ought to be.
If you think this is incredibly biased, you’re not alone! A number of students have already voiced their complaints about the new system. “Bruh it’s so stupid like bruh what are they thinking bruh? Like bruh. Furreal bruh,” said sophomore Letmi Shleep. How insightful.
“I think even with this new testing model, the culture at Stuyvesant only further enables the spread of toxicity and test score manipulation. Nothing here is real and the only choice we have is to free our minds from the matrix before it’s too late and the College Board obscures our perception of reality even more,” junior Ai-Want T’leaf commented. Now those are some facts I can get behind. #Neo_and_Trinity_4_Life!!!!
“You know, I think the College Board has some ulterior motives here. Now what they are exactly I can’t say, but I know they’re bad. Like, real bad. They’re almost, like, as bad as not paying the subway fare or something like that,” said senior Dü-Yür Hohmwurk.
College Board officials (in all their malevolence) have offered some explanations for the shift. “These new implementations are only with the students’ benefits in mind. With less knowledge, there is less risk of not knowing the answer to certain questions, because there are no questions. Genius, I know. I came up with it myself,” said Chief Pain Officer Randy Schmeckler. Good job, Randy. I’m sure your pet iguana is so proud of you.
“The students need to be confused. They’ve been getting too comfortable with the old system, so the only logical thing to do is to completely stun them with our ingenuity. If they don’t know what they’re doing, they’ll just keep paying until they do, like some sad kids in an arcade desperately trying to win a prize at the claw machine. How pathetic,” said Head of Finance Yule Bee-Gone. This is the type of stuff I was expecting. Loving this attitude so much.
There you have it, folks. Gone are the days of toiling over memorizing the lines of some random guy in a random book—now your fate is out of your hands!