Gameshow of Virtual Hell
Reading Time: 2 minutes
Welcome to Season 17 of Virtually: Impossible! Meet Drew Cassetty (Katerina Corr), our slightly mentally unstable host, and our lovely eight contestants: a three-time presidential candidate (Max Kahn), Cowboy Jebediah (Dean Carey), Wilma the philosophy major (Saarah Elsayed), a professional slapper (Stella Oh), a hippie (Michael Russo), Grandma (Claire De La Roche), a pink Broadway wannabe (Mimi Gillies), and best boy Nikki Bricky (Oliver Stewart) as they compete for a check for $10 million and a date with Brian Moran.
The show starts off with a very unmemorable trivia segment, so we’ll promptly skip that part. The real story starts when they go to hell and meet Mephistopheles (Reilly Amera). Mephistopheles and her devil henchmen perform a fairly impressive dance performance, which prompts the beginning of our dear host transforming into a psychopath.
Enter Detective Lance Brooding (Jonathan Schneiderman), a tragic, lonely man. He’s probably supposed to solve a mystery or something, but all I remember was a Latin dance number in which he took off his jacket for the fanservice, a definite added plus. The characters follow with horrendous Junior SING! roasts, and Brooding becomes a Broadway star. Our politician gets assassinated for trying to derail the show even though it has already been derailed for a while.
Cassetty decides to up the stakes because the show is getting boring, which she is honestly not wrong about. We are then hit with one of the most iconic moments of the show—the commercial break. Simpy “You Can Have My” McCorndog III asks Jessica to prom, but the poor man has a mullet and peed in the pool, teaching the audience what a subpar bachelor looks like. As they aired a Minecraft scene where various people were chased by a horde of zombies, my confusion grew. Are we sure this isn’t Soph-Frosh SING!?
With half the main cast disappearing in a very unmemorable way (Poggers!), the rest embark into a fantasy world and meet fantastical characters like Sir Nottingham (Alexander Lake), a knight looking for Princess Snowflake (Saarah Elsayed), who is locked in Dark Lord Bumblewhizz’s (Diego Vasquez) tower. After a poorly mixed parody of “Best Friend,” everything glitches out, and the world is dying. As the cowboy is sucked into the void, so is the plot.
Cassetty reveals in Smoake Weede that because the show is still boring (unsurprisingly) and guns aren’t allowed, the remaining contestants are forced to engage in some sort of battle with the other characters. Through “character development” and the power of friendship, no one fights. Cassetty, hurt because her show is ruined, transports everyone into a sort of digital purgatory. Jebediah, however, seems to have taken AP CS, and he grants himself the title of co-host in this new realm instead of being dead. Everyone else is given the title of co-host, and they sing kumbaya.
Overall, Senior SING! was a fever dream of random teleportation, quirky characters, and a questionable storyline. But, because of Bricky, chopped cheese, and Detective Brooding, it receives a 32984234/10.