French Teachers from Elite Stuyvesant High School Caught Red Handed in Louvre Heist—New Fork Toast EXCLUSIVE

New security camera footage links the mysterious robbery at the Louvre, in which over $100 million worth of jewels were stolen, to the elite Stuyvesant High School’s very own French teachers, Monsieur Manuel Ramirez and Monsieur Dylan Gunder. This news is sending shock waves throughout the school community.

“I thought Monsieur Ramirez was in Mexico celebrating his birthday,” one French III student shared, holding back tears. “Turns out he was committing the greatest robbery in modern history. The guy’s a legend.”

Ramirez and Gunder, who are known to be friends outside of work, appear to be the perfect pair to pull off such a heist. “Ramirez is an efficient guy. He’s always saying how he only needs 10 questions on quizzes. Either we know it or we don’t. It makes sense that Ramirez would only need six or seven minutes to rob the Louvre,” an AP French student reflected.

“And Monsieur Gunder, he’s diligent. One quiz a week, that’s how it goes. He’s probably been planning this for months,” commented a freshman, who just failed his third contrôle in a row.

The video footage recovered on scene reveals Ramirez and Gunder committing the crime.

The following dialogue has been taken directly from CCTV footage in Paris, France:

Ramirez: Monsieur Gunder, tonight we steal le Looouvre! 

Gunder: C’est incroyable! What about ze security lasers?

Ramirez: I have already calculated ze angles. I simply leap gracefully.

Gunder: And ze guards?

Ramirez: I challenged zem to conjugate the subjonctif passé correctly. They have not been seen since.

Gunder: Mon Dieu! So ze plan worked.

Ramirez: Of course. You do not survive grading cent quatre-vingts French projects in one weekend without developing criminal-level efficiency. 

Gunder: Allons-y Monsieur Ramirez! Grab ze jewels!

Ramirez: Correction… les bijoux!

(Sound of glass shattering)

Ramirez: Vite! To ze escape scooter! 

Gunder: Ah zut!! I dropped the crown. I wanted to wear it in the talent show zis year at Stuyvesant. I was going to perform “You’ll Be Back” from Hamilton!

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Detectives are still without a motive for this puzzling crime, though recovered text messages suggest that the two teachers may have stolen the priceless jewelry for cultural purposes: namely, to elevate the reputation and excellency of Stuyvesant’s French department.

“Mr. Ramirez especially has been wanting a French Culture class at Stuy for a few years now, and for some reason it’s never come about…maybe they thought that having these artifacts would increase interest in the class and make it impossible for the administration to say no,” a source who wished to remain anonymous shared worriedly, before quickly adding, “then again, I don’t know—maybe it wasn’t them? They won’t know this was me, right? I really need a good rec letter.” 

Whatever the reason, the whole world has its eyes on Stuyvesant High School and they are waiting on the edge of their seats with baited breath to know the truth. Rest assured, readers, that the New Fork Toast will be watching and writing every step of the way to keep you educated on this developing situation.