Four Exceptional Excuses for Being Late to Class
Issue 8, Volume 113
So you’ve started to gain a reputation at Stuy, but not the kind you’d like. You are known as the kid who always walks in late, and definitely not in a cool way. You, dear reader, are coming to class late because you chose to take AP Chemistry, fully aware of the effects of such a class, even though you were fully sane at the time (not anymore though). Because of this, you go to sleep at 3:00 a.m. and sleep past your alarm every day. That’s lame.
However, there is a way to save your reputation with your fellow classmates as well as preserve your fragile participation grade: excuses! We know your parents have been rambling about how you make too many of them since Parent Teacher Conferences (PTCs), but we’re positive that they wouldn’t mind if you use the following devilishly clever (if I do say so myself) excuses to improve both your grades AND social life! If you haven’t come to school late yet, you disgustingly perfect person, continue reading, because we all know that the plague of lateness will one day befall you.
“I came to school 30 minutes early, but the scanner ladies scared me, so I ran back home.”
Who cares if you live an hour away? This is still a completely plausible excuse, especially if you managed to pick up a cup of coffee for your teacher “on your way back to school.” When using this excuse, it’s wise to rub a little subway dirt on your face and look a little green as you walk in. The more traumatized you seem, the better! Try walking through the fifth-floor bathrooms to achieve that nauseated, panic-stricken look. If you normally commute by ferry, a quick cannonball dive into the pool will do in order to feign a swim in the Hudson River. This way, not only will your excuse be extra believable, but you’ll also stay cool even with the heating cranked up as the heavily chlorinated water evaporates off of you. It might make your classmates a little lightheaded, but I’m sure they won’t mind.
“I brought Thanksgiving leftovers as my minutes gift to the class.”
The sheer amount of leftover mashed potatoes that you’ll supposedly carry on your back will slow you down to a tenth of your normal speed. Add on the turkey, gravy, and green bean casserole, and you’ll collapse before you even make it two steps out of your house. When you tell all this to your English teacher, make sure to facepalm yourself as you “remember” that you left the food in your locker on your way upstairs. Oops! At least your teacher will appreciate your altruism in leaving the resident rats a Thanksgiving feast.
“I was kidnapped by Brooklyn Tech and forced to join their cult!”
This one is among the most believable because we all know that 6,000 students are just not enough for Brooklyn Tech. Tell your teacher that you’ve only come to school to get your stuff, as the Techies have forced you into their year-long training program. Explain that in this program, you train to become part of the school’s guard with an aim to protect their sports teams from bullying due to their unfortunate mascot. Bonus points if you tattoo the BTHS crest on your wrist and say that you got it during initiation.
This one is almost self-explanatory. Your teacher will immediately understand, give a grave nod, and send you to the back of the classroom where you can privately mourn the loss of your AirPods. For added dramatic effect, DIY a detention notice that you got for “breathing too loudly” and show it to your teacher.
That marks the end of The Spectator-endorsed lateness excuses. Feel free to use any of these excuses (with credit to me) at your own risk. Side effects of these excuses include weird looks from your teacher and classmates, a sudden drop in your participation grade, and your parents hunting you down after PTCs, but at least you have a valid reason for being late. Enjoy!