Five Healthy Ways of Coping with Pressure During AP Season
Issue 15, Volume 113
POV: it’s May. Your AP exam is coming up, and you’re hopelessly grinding down the whole curriculum in McDonald’s, screaming, crying, sobbing, and throwing up because you have absolutely zero knowledge of the course in your sleep-deprived brain. You’ve broken down in the gender-neutral bathroom twice in the past week. You’re chugging down six shots of espresso on a daily basis. Your missing assignments are snowballing. You’re both mentally and physically deteriorating, so much so that you even stopped grinding in Genshin and Star Rail.
Okay, pause. We know you’re stressed out. But in order to maintain your mental health (if any Stuy kid has that in the first place), you’ll need some relaxation during this busy time. Here you will find five healthy ways to cope with AP pressure. And by healthy, we mean not jumping into the Hudson River or confessing to Mr. Moran on some freshman-made Instagram confessions page.
Number 1: Take a Bath in the 11th-Floor Pool.
After marinating in your body’s juices while cramming down all the Heimler’s History videos in a day, what else could be more rewarding than a nice, relaxing cold bath? And for that, the best location to go to is always our (it really belongs to everyone in the school) grand, luxurious, 11th-floor pool that every Stuy student takes great pride in. On a usual day, there is no one there, so you get to have some nice, quiet personal time bathing in the pool while watching Oshinoko or just making up your 10 missing assignments. However, keep in mind that the pool water is extremely cold, so make sure to bring your hot romantic partner with you to prevent yourself from getting sick! What, you said you don’t have one? Worry not, because companionship is never far away: Principal Yu also bathes there before school starts. Speaking of which…
Number 2: Hit On Principal Yu After 5:00 p.m.
No. Please. No. Who suggested this idea for this article? We’re skipping this one. Y’all upperclassmen need to stop trying to lead innocent little freshies down questionable paths.
Number 3: Pray to the Hudson Staircase.
No matter what your religious affiliation is, you should always give this a shot. Legend has it that when Stuy first moved to this current building from the old one, a figure blazing in the brightest and most brilliant light showed its presence to the principal and the teachers. It said, “I am the spirit of the holy and glorious Hudson staircase. Blessed by me are the grades of the students in this school, and thou shall give honor and praise for my mercy.” Though this legend has been lost over time, every AP season, a few students who have heard of it still pray to the Hudson staircase in the hopes that the spirit will bless their AP exam score. It remains a question if this strategy actually manifests good results, but why not try it out for yourself and see? If nothing else, you get to intrude on the privacy of various couples!
Number 4: Confess to Your Crush On a Stuy Confessions Page.
Ugh, okay. You’re rolling your eyes and thinking, “What kind of self-contradicting BS is this article spitting?” But we said don’t confess to MR. MORAN on a confessions page. No one in this school actually has a crush on Mr. Moran, right?
…Right? Please say no.
Back to our topic. During this season of suffering, we all want to focus on our academic work instead of being head-over-heels for our crush, crying at 3:00 a.m.. with “I gave a second chance to Cupid~” in our headphones. We know that nerdy Stuy kids often get too nervous to even talk to their crushes when they see them in the hallway. So why not surprise your crush by sending a cute little confession to a Stuy confessions page? Find one on Instagram right now and go tell your crush how you got rizzed up in fourth period AP Physics today when they turned around in the seat in front of you and asked to borrow an eraser!
Number 5: Manifestations.
Don’t even know half of the curriculum yet and the exam is tomorrow? That’s okay. Where science ends is where the occult begins. Even though we are in a STEM school, sometimes you still gotta go pro magicae atque veneficus. It is said that hudsonite (a stone from the Hudson River) protects one from failing classes, stops procrastination, and brings good grades. So get some after school or during one of your frees with your friend, and make some nice bracelets or necklaces out of them! You could also light up some nice-smelling candles in the weight room and perform a ritual with the hudsonites. Just keep in mind that with all blessings come consequences. Rituals like this could backfire and get you into lots of trouble (e.g. getting caught by Mr. Moran and being suspended for committing arson), so be cautious about it, kids.
So, those were some ideas for how you can destress a bit during AP season! If you think any of these strategies helped you in any way, please remember to like and subscribe, and I’ll see you next time. We hope everyone survives their AP exams and gets that five… though I’d be more worried about surviving score send-out day. Did you just say “a four is good enough”? Does your mother share that sentiment? Someone get this person out of here. They’re not a valid Stuy kid. Huh? What do you mean, I just put more pressure on you?