Exposing the Underground Electronics Network at Stuyvesant High School

Something fishy has been happening in the shadows of Stuyvesant High School. There have been whispers about students producing answers to questions with information they shouldn’t have had access to in the first place, Google Classroom assignments submitted at times when there was no possible way the suspect could have used a school-sanctioned computer, and outside news intentionally passed from student to student through the rumor mill like a virus sneaking through contaminated patients, when students should be instead be focusing on their electronic-free, distraction-free education.

“It’s certainly strange,” commented an anonymous sophomore we had pulled aside for an impulsive interview. Since we had no phones to conduct a recording, we had to use a trusty notebook and pencil in the middle of third-period hallway rush hour (we were barely able to read the handwriting after). “But I couldn’t possibly come to any conclusion as to how these students could have access to the outside world. I mean, the library is always full, and all those kids are doing is struggling to load up two-factor authentication to their Stuy emails…”

We then were able to catch a freshman and asked him about the situation: “I mean, is the library ever not full? How could you know what those people are getting up to on those computers? They could be furiously decoding the way phone pouches disrupt signals, or hacking into the system to dig out administrative details, or devising plans to disrupt the socioeconomic state of Stuyesant’s governing body…” He laughed. “I mean, not that I would ever do any of those things. I’m too patriotic a Stuy student.”

That was when we (note: maybe I) noticed a suspicious bridge-shaped logo on the back of his hoodie. “Do you even go to this school?” 

The interviewee quickly covered the suspiciously “tech”-shaped lettering on his hoodie and gesticulated wildly to his peg wooden legs. “Like I said,” he coughed. “I’m a very patriotic Stuy student. No infiltration is currently occurring.”

That suspicious gremlin aside, this situation is completely baffling. How on Earth could people possibly be gaining access to internet-enabled information without internet-enabled devices? The phone pouches are unbreachable and indestructible (at least during school hours)!

There is only one conclusion: an underground network of electronics.

With their phones locked away, students must be distributing devices and internet gadgets in a top-secret operation involving high-level planning, sneaky affairs, and too many freshmen being used as decoys. Evidence has surfaced to support this:

Recently, three students were caught using borrowed phones after passersby reported a group yelling offensive remarks in the Hudson Staircase, which, after a long and brutal court case involving lengthy testimonials and tear-stricken confessions, the perpetrators confessed was due to losing a ranked Brawl Stars match. Of course, they were swiftly tried and charged with obstructive conduct and illicit use of an internet-enabled personal device. They were then tarred and feathered for their crimes against both the school (for besmirching its reputation) and Principal Yoo (for losing a Brawl Stars match).  

Of course, it is common knowledge that all events that occur in the Hudson Staircase are unsavory and disreputable. The three boys testified that a supposed dealer had given them phones to use in spite of the amazing ban that the DOE has set out! There are definitely more dealers; this incident is definitely a part of a larger network of dodgy device dealing.

In that case, those were the three who were unlucky enough to be caught. However, there are many more underground dealers that lurk among the shadows and only arise to attract new followers. As good Samaritans, it is our responsibility to keep our eyes peeled for such indecent, illegal activity. Glory to Principal Yoo! Some details that have been reported about these traitors to our school include:

1. They are everywhere. It is impossible to escape their creeping presence. You can’t hear them (except when they’re locked in on Brawl Stars, which is most of the time); see them (except in the bathrooms and the end staircases five minutes after the start bell); or smell them (except, well… you can actually smell them, they smell like 90k trophies and maxed out Edgar); but you can just feel (and see) the green stinky flies aura around their persons at all times.
2. Their diets consist of White Monster, Sparkling Galaxy Vibe Celsius, Lays BBQ chips, and McDonald’s ice cream. Follow the smell like how Hansel and Gretel followed breadcrumbs to the witch’s gingerbread house.
3. Sometimes, you find them in plain sight. Beware of cafeteria creatures hiding overdue library books and 24K gold Labubus in their backpacks… 

No matter what you do, it is important to never be swayed by their promises of free trials, split profits, and salvation from the “screen detox” that no one likes. All they want to do is to recruit you to exploit you for infiltrating the student body to influence others in favor of their underground ring, so you must be of strong mind and resist the temptation to obtain a device to battle midday boredom, or cram in last-minute studying, or continue doomscrolling brainrot-filled TikToks. 

Next time you encounter one of these illegal dealers, remember to incapacitate them by assaulting them with pictures of grass—it is likely that they struggle against proof of life outside of their silly devices—and report them to authorities. It is time, once and for all, to put an end to this underground electronics network.