Elizabeth Warren Introduces Plan to Fix Stuyvesant Escalators

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DES MOINES, IOWA—Speaking at a forum on educational policy on Thursday, Massachusetts Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren released a detailed 12-step plan to fix Stuyvesant’s escalators.

The plan, which was later released in full on Senator Warren’s Medium page, involves the assembly of a panel of escalator experts to conduct research into escalator best practices and repair policies. It then calls for the creation of a federal specialized task force to carry out the panel’s recommendations.

“For too long, thousands of Americans have struggled because they can’t even get to their first-period or even second- or third-period class on time,” Warren said. “We have simply got to do something. You know, I met a bright, intelligent student the other week. Good head on his shoulders. Studied for all his tests with only two Juul sessions per hour. And his cumulative grade in chemistry was a 98. Pretty good, right? Except that, thanks to the seven-to-nine escalator, he was late so often that his grade plummeted a whole point down. The situation where a student can see their chemistry grade go from a 98 to a 97 because they were a minute late to class daily is just unacceptable. No American should have to face the indignity of a 97,” the former Harvard professor added.

The plan immediately drew comparisons, largely favorable, to other candidates’ escalator policies. It is most similar to those of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, who has vowed to replace every escalator entirely with inclined elevators. While Warren would replace the two-to-four escalator with such an elevator, her elevator would not come with leather seating and a fully stocked bar. Former Vice President Joe Biden criticized the plan, calling its $5 billion price tag expensive and adding that his plan would fix the escalator system with the exception of the two-to-four escalator, which his administration would burn into a clump of sad ashes. Kamala Harris, whose plan would put the escalators in a box with a flask of hydrocyanic acid and a radioactive source, could not be reached for comment.

At press time, Bill de Blasio was emphatically denying to a group of perplexed Iowans that he had ever even been to New York. “Never been to the place,” he said. “I couldn’t even tell you how to get from Gracie Mansion to a gym by subway.”