Eleven Valid Late Excuses to Gaslight Your Teachers With

Your ribcage is tightening. Your legs are burning. Your ears are ringing. Your heart is beating out of your chest. As sweat drips down your face, you sprint from the subway station, nearly body-slam an innocent bystander, finally make it across the bridge, and swipe into school. Victory! But your relief quickly evaporates as the dreaded scanner beeps. You’re late. You fall to the floor, wallowing in a pool of dread and devastation as the menacing scanner ladies look down with disgust.  

It has happened to every Stuy student. You procrastinated, stayed up way too late, overslept, and missed an important first-period test. Life is already spiraling, and you need some excuse to spare you the additional devastation. So, rather than getting a legal (or, in some cases, illegal) guardian to sign an excused absence form, why not conjure up the devious excuses yourself? Here is an official list of Spectator-endorsed late excuses that are guaranteed to convince any teacher:

1. “The subway was delayed.” The only entity more incompetent than you at following schedules is the MTA, so pinning the blame on their bankrupt operation never fails. It’s like how day-drinkers use the “it’s 5:00 p.m. somewhere” line to justify their day-drinking. 
2. “My dog ate my OMNY card.” Student OMNY cards are made out of toilet paper, and you’re too dignified to jump the turnstile or use the emergency exit door, meaning you have to take the extra time to get your dog to regurgitate the OMNY card, so this is a very valid excuse. 
3. “Kristi Noem shot my dog because he ate my OMNY card, so I held a funeral for him.” Rest in peace, Brian. Also, the funeral, both planning and the ceremony, took forever, so, understandably, you missed first period and half of second period.
4. “I forgot my lunch at home and all my money is in offshore accounts, so I went back and retrieved it.” In an increasingly contactless world, who carries around cash anyway? Thus, this excuse only works on old teachers who still believe in the value of carrying an extra $20 bill for rainy days.
5. “A Girl Scout sold me cookies laced with poison. After I ate them, I threw up for four consecutive hours, which meant I missed the 7:10 train.” Never trust Girl Scouts. I was shot by the Girlis and Girlinos in the back of a taxi cab in 1986, and since then, I have never trusted a single Girl Scout Cookie, and neither should you. Anyone who has had an experience with the Girl Scouts should understand.
6. “My they/them, god/goddess cat who has ADHD meowed too loudly for my ears, and I needed an ‘offended’ badge, so I had to order one from TriggerWarning.com.” Have you seen shipping estimates these days? It’s going to take three to five business days minimum to get here, with express shipping to boot!
7. “My bus driver was found in the Epstein files, so I had an alternate and slower driver.” Sigh. This is becoming way too common these days. Why is everyone in the Epstein files now? I have never seen anyone take a trip to the Virgin Islands, so something has to be up.
8. “My boat tragically hit an iceberg, so I had to swim to school.” Never forget the tragedy of the Titanic! You can forget the Alamo, Vieta’s formulas, and your gym locker combination, but you must always take time to remember the lives lost in the Titanic disaster, and your ancient teachers should definitely know the pain firsthand.
9. “I’m running for mayor, so I had a press conference at 8:00 a.m.” Politicians are way too old these days, which is why you are needed to change our political system! The spirits of our Founders are calling you!
10. “I missed my Spirit Airlines flight to school, which never showed up.” American air travel isn’t what it used to be.
11. “My nemesis hacked my Talos and is using my ID photo as blackmail. If I show up on time, he’ll embarrass me in front of all of my two friends.” Crime in New York City has gotten out of control recently. 

Being late is a part of the Stuyvesant experience, as is sleep deprivation and selling your soul to please colleges. While we can’t assure you full control of your own life, these excuses will always be here to preserve your perfect attendance and maybe—just maybe—give you some room to breathe.