Dr. Haber Defends Principal Yu’s Honor

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Issue 14, Volume 112

By Finn Charest 

After being caught during an administration meeting laughing hysterically at another Spectator Humor article that made fun of Principal Yu, Dr. Haber set out on a path to redemption.

The following Monday, Dr. Haber was seen stalking up the second-floor escalators purposefully. “KEEP PRINCIPAL YU’S NAME OUT OF YOUR [EXPLETIVE] MOUTH!” Dr. Haber could be heard screaming outside The Spectator Humor Department’s biweekly brainstorming session, as Principal Yu looked on approvingly.

After being ushered away by security, a tearful Dr. Haber explained his actions. “As a school administrator, you gotta be able to have people disrespecting you. You gotta smile and you gotta pretend like that’s okay. Jokes at my expense are part of the job, but a joke about Principal Yu was too much to bear and I reacted emotionally. Principal Yu is a great man, a real asset to the school community. To suggest that he diverts school funds to support his porcelain doll obsession or runs an underground faculty gambling ring is an insult to his name.”

“Allegedly!” Principal Yu exclaimed from the hallway as he feverishly skimmed The Spectator for the first time ever.

The Stuyvesant community was divided on Dr. Haber’s actions. “On one hand, comedy should not result in violence or threats of violence and should be protected,” junior Olivia Ng observed. “On the other hand, comedy is usually… you know… funny, so I’m not sure the Spectator Humor Department qualifies.”

Sophomore Max Davis commented, “Dr. Haber’s reaction seemed way out of proportion. Seventeen million people watched the Oscars—I doubt 17 people read the Spectator. More people probably write humor articles than read them.”

Others, absent from the scene, also weighed in. “Maybe the world might not like how it went down, but for me, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It made me believe that there are still school administrators out there that love and care about their principals,” Brooklyn Tech principal David Newman said.

With time to reflect, Dr. Haber’s position seems to have softened. “I just want to be a vessel for love,” remarked Dr. Haber, as he tightened his headlock around a hapless Spectator Humor writer.