DOE Releases New School Lunch Menu!

An introduction to the new foods being added to the lunch menu and a little more about each of them.

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We all love school lunch, right? What if we told you it was getting even better?! The Department of Education (DOE) has finally come to its senses and designed a new menu to suit its very sophisticated taste buds. They’ve announced that their budget has decreased, so they’ve found cheaper alternatives for beloved dishes that accommodate many students’ dietary restrictions. No one will go hungry in a public school cafeteria again! Without further ado, let me introduce you to the new menu:

Spicy Cockroach Sandwich

Remember those orange-looking chicken sandwiches that we get for lunch sometimes? They are fairly edible, but sometimes you might dream of a higher quality product. Something that entices the taste buds with unprecedentedly volatile compounds to grant an unforgettable gastrointestinal experience. Well look no further... the DOE, a Michelin star cafeteria chain, has decided to take advantage of the city’s abundant roaches and feed us their all-new “Spicy Cockroach Sandwiches.” We’re truly getting the protein motherload because not one but 20 roaches’ legs and eyes are packed into each of these bad boys, squished into a patty, and fried in 10 liters of liquified MSG. The bulk will go crazy!

Grilled Cheese and Microwaved Ketchup

The DOE finally caught up to the latest trend and added a lunchtime staple to the menu! Let me introduce to you the timeless marriage of grilled cheese and tomato soup! Not exactly, though—the DOE has found a cheaper and easier alternative to this delicious recipe. They’ve found that ketchup works as a near-perfect replacement for tomato soup. Just microwave some ketchup and there you have it: a steaming hot bowl of tomato soup ready in just under a minute. Additionally, you can enjoy this culinary delight even if you’re allergic to tomatoes because the ketchup brand they use is so artificial that all tomato flavors are produced by chemicals. Are you ready to get your first and certainly not last taste of this fantastic dish? 

Corn Dogs

When the DOE realized their curriculum hasn’t been very inclusive towards flyover country, they decided to add a cultural staple to the new menu: corn-based corn dogs. It gets even cornier than that because the DOE was nice enough to buy all schools their very own dog molds so that these corn dogs can really embrace their inner dogness and be dog-shaped. Get ready to stand in line for hours to get your hands on these delightful little pups! Also, just to anger the vegans, the DOE is using dairy in the corn breading; let’s go!

Green Eggs and Ham

As well-prepared Stuyvesant students, we’ve all read the book Green Eggs and Ham. The DOE has decided to bring us back to our childhoods through a green eggs and ham dish. It’s exactly what it sounds like: eggs and ham, but green! In a stylish sustainability attempt, the DOE has partnered with local supermarkets to use unsold, expired ingredients in the cafeteria. The DOE refuses to make a statement about the source of the greenness; all that is known is that it is NOT food coloring. Haven’t you ever wondered what green eggs and ham really taste like? Well, now is the chance to make your childhood dream come true!

Now that you’ve been introduced to the new menu, please remember to go online and leave a review after trying these dishes. The DOE has notified all schools that feedback is required so they can improve the menu. Get your reviews in quickly because for once, the DOE is taking student’s opinions into consideration. They seem to have taken a liking to updating the lunch menu. Some of their newest ideas—as we’ve heard from insiders—utilize Japanese wastewater, the surplus of lanternflies, and the absurd amount of scrap paper in the school building.