Disney to Remake More Disney Classics

Hello, all! We here at Disney are proud to announce the release dates for an entirely new and original lineup of Disney film reboots! It is a known fact that our recent introduction of live-action films based on Disney classics has been universally well-received by critics and fans alike. Disney forum user #1goofyFan98 describes 2019’s The Lion King as “like Hamlet, but lions!” We hope that this will excite those who have been waiting patiently for news about our coming productions. Please enjoy!

Pocahontas:

Coming August 2021, this spiritual adventure will go back to the heart of uncolonized America and fully immerse audiences in the rich culture of only partially whitewashed Native Americans. With the success of Mulan, our last live-action reboot, it has become clear to us that no one really cares that all of the direction and production of these minority-driven stories are white. Who would have guessed? This movie will be starring Megan Fox, Channing Tatum, and Cameron Diaz. Don’t want to watch this one? Don’t care! We know you’ll watch it anyway.

Peter Pan:

Coming December 2021, from the mind of James Cameron, this fantasy romp across the boundless Neverland comes to life for the first time (apart from Hook (1991), Neverland (2003), and Pan (2015))! Starring Willem Dafoe as Captain Hook and a digitally de-aged Willem Dafoe as Peter Pan, this 95% CGI film will excite and amaze. Critics are already raving about it, with The Huffington Post noting, “Do we really need a half-hour alligator fight scene? No. But do we want it? Also no.” And don’t worry about digital limitations: the de-aged Dafoe face will be less bony, so we will use an overly airbrushed blur filter to ensure that Peter Pan looks like one of the Thumb Thumbs from Spy Kids.

Snow White:

Coming June 2022 and directed by Tim Burton, the buzz has been going wild for this reboot of an 84-year-old film. Since Burton’s last two reboots of Disney classics, both panned by critics, the man has been begging for an even more historically sacred Disney movie that he could desecrate with his overly stylized garbage. We finally gave in to his demands after he threatened to humiliate Colin Farrell again. Be prepared for cartoonishly disproportionate buildings and a color palette ranging from black to slightly brownish grey. The film will star Winona Rider as Snow White and Danny DeVito as all Seven Dwarves.

The Jungle Book:

Coming November 2022, The Jungle Book will be directed by Jon Favreau. Now, you may be thinking, “Wait, didn’t Disney already reboot The Jungle Book? They’re rebooting the same movie twice?” No, actually. We’re rebooting it thrice. You see, the 1967 animated Jungle Book movie was remade most notably in 2016, but there was a lesser-known, earlier remake of the animated classic released in 1994. And come to think of it, the original 1967 film itself was an adaptation of Rudyard Kipling’s stories, collectively titled “The Jungle Book.” This makes the 2022 release a reboot of a remake of a remake of an adaptation of “The Jungle Book.” Sounds like a mouthful? Who cares? You’ll watch it anyway. The reboot will star Timothée Chalamet as Mowgli and Tilda Swinton as Baloo.

Until next time, this has been the Disney Production Team. Thank you for your money, and we hope to continue to collect it for years to come!