Deny, Defend, Desire (A Y/N x Luigi Mangione Fanfiction)

“Luigi Mangione, alleged shooter of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been found guilty of first-degree murder.” 

W-what?!

I couldn’t believe it… no. It couldn’t be Mangiover. Not my precious darling Luigi Mangione. His beautifully chiseled abs and sharp, perfectly tapered jawline could NOT be in jail. As I listened to the news reporter prattle on about my fine man’s crimes, I fell to my knees in a bubbly mix of fear and rage. Watching pictures of Luigi flash across the screen in my dingy apartment, I felt a protective urge well up in my heart.

Slowly, I steeled myself with determination.

“I can’t let them do this to you. I’ll save you, baby boy, trust me,” I said aloud, rousing myself from the stale couch. “I’m gonna break you out of that hellhole.” 

The alpha wolf inside of me growled at the thought of those darn prison guards placing their hands on Luigi.

But how will I save him? I’m not heroic OR smart! I don’t have the right materials, the ability to plan… Damn it!

Just then, my Megamind-like head swelled with an epiphany. Looking around my crusty apartment, I saw that several incredibly powerful weapons surrounded me, ranging from a full arsenal of Nerf^TM guns to several bricks I had stolen to lick the dust off. Slowly, the plan emerged. I didn’t have a crazy amount of supplies to break him out, but I had watched enough Naruto to know the power of friendship—or maybe more than just friendship—would help me. I couldn’t just sit back and watch edits of him like everyone else did. I had to act. We hadn’t ever met, but I knew the bond I shared with him transcended all logical bounds of human emotion. 

And so for the next few days, I spent my time as a recluse, stabbing pins and tying together strands of red yarn on a corkboard. I scoured the interwebs to research the ins and outs of his prison, but quickly realized there were some minor roadblocks. 

I had no idea how I was going to infiltrate the prison, none other than Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center, a prison notorious for its awful conditions and crazy inmates, like the infamous P. Diddy. I shuddered at the thought of being near those lunatics, but it was a price I would pay in order to free my precious pumpkin snickerdoodle Luigi. 

Hmm… but what should I do? Commit a crime? Pretend to be Luigi’s family member? Steal a police uniform? Interfere with security? I scrapped all these ideas for sounding like something out of a James Bond movie. However, when I scoped out the jail one last time, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the vents were shockingly accessible. If I were to just shimmy through those shafts, I could easily get to Luigi without having to worry about fighting or committing unnecessary crimes. I am a law-abiding citizen—not counting this break-in—after all.

The following day, I was fully prepared. I dressed in a full suit, rose between my teeth, determined to make a good impression with my mouth-watering cannoli Mangione. I drove to the MDC, my anxiety over meeting Luigi swelling with each mile. I arrived at the prison and looked around. I knew from my research that today was Taco Tuesday, so all the guards, including the camera operators, would be gone. I used my screwdriver to unscrew the vent, fully confident in my 6,000 combined hours in GTA and Payday 2. I crawled inside, neatly closing the vent behind me before making my way into the prison. I nearly screamed “Heist Passed” like in GTA before remembering this was only the first step to save my One True Love-igi. 

Crawling through the vents, I overheard infuriating conversations between the criminals. My eyes narrowed in annoyance at hearing them fawn over my scrumptious tiramisu cake.

“Luigi is so rad,” one of the inmates said to the other. 

“I know, right? And he’s so effortlessly nonchalant… I might be in love with him,” the other replied. I forced myself to ignore them and move on. He’s mine, nincompoops. MINE. 

With “Mangione Nurses You to Sleep [Gamer Boyfriend] [ASMR]” blasting through my AirPods, I was determined to reach my hubby. The speaker didn’t have the most accurate impression, but I could ignore it as I imagined Luigi, fine curls mussed and night clothes artfully disheveled, caressing my head as I drifted into a deep slumber. 

I peeked through every vent cover, searching for Luigi. The dustiness of the vents would have put off any normie, but I was dedicated to freeing Luigi. In fact, the dust only served as a tantalizing reminder of what I was fighting for as I left a trail of slobber in my wake. 

I had it planned out: I would free him, then we would flee. We would run off to Tahiti, get married, and live happily ever after, sipping martinis and swimming, and he would be mine and mine and only mine, forever and ever. Unfortunately, my vision remained impaired because my tongue couldn’t reach the dust in my eyes. I didn’t falter, however—I knew destiny guided us. 

Then I saw him. A quirked-up white boy, standing at a manly five feet ten inches. His luscious curly brown hair captivated me immediately. There was no mistaking it; this was my darling, my one and only. 

I could tell it was him despite my burning, dust-covered eyes. I couldn’t wait any longer. A primal urge surged through me, and I pounced from the vents. However, the person I had pinned to the ground in my frenzy wasn’t my soon-to-be husband, but instead the not very attractive financial fraudster, Sam Bankman-Fried. 

“E-e-excuse me! Get off me, or I’ll call for the guards! GUARDS!” SBF yelled out, his nasally crypto-bro voice piercing through my eardrums. I was so accustomed to Luigi’s sultry, confident voice asserting “Not Guilty” that this screechy noise left me stunned. 

Coming back to my senses, I lept off SBF and spun my head around, looking for Luigi’s cell. Everybody scattered, and I was left alone in the cafeteria. On all fours like a predator in the wild, I spotted him—for real this time. How could I have been so blind? SBF looked nothing like this absolute hunk of a man. His flowing, rich brown locks, his chiseled, defined, masculine jawline. His manly stubble, the way the orange jumpsuit perfectly complimented his dark, piercing eyes—I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to have him. 

Just as I scurried like a rat toward his cell, I was stopped by dozens of prison guards, all decked out in riot gear. 

“Curse you, SBF… I’ll make you remember the day you rued me. The devil shivers when a nice guy loses his temper…” I muttered under my breath, assuming a fighting stance, exuding a wave of dominance over the guards. They shrunk back in fear, some of them running off posthaste, but I wasn’t letting them go. They had to pay for keeping me from my prize, my treasure, my Luigi. 

“RAHHHHHH!!!” Like a Beyblade, I let it rip. I lunged towards the guards, sending them packing with my Nerf^TM arsenal, orange-tipped darts flying like a maelstrom around me as I unleashed my rage. 

Guided forward by my skills that I had learned from watching Rush Hour, I dispatched every guard lickety-split.

“They’re definitely not going to be in Rush Hour 3,” I said, admiring my handiwork as stars and cuckoo birds circled around the guards’ heads. With them out of the way, I readied myself to meet my idol and took the leap of faith.

“Baby… oh, darling! We meet at last,” I exhaled, caressing his spiky stubble. I lost myself in his dark, chocolatey eyes as he stared into me for an eternity. My knees buckled under his piercing gaze, my hands tracing against his body as I fell, all the way to his boots, which I licked to savor his taste. I looked up and he was still staring at me, an unreadable expression on his handsome, sweat-slicked visage. 

“Luigi…” I started. Oh, how I wanted to drink him like a shot of espresso…

He opened his mouth, and I expected him to say something like “Hey there, handsome” or “What’s cookin’, good lookin’?” Instead, he stood silent. 

Suddenly, he leaned down so we were face to face once again, but not for a staring contest. No, this time, he pulled me by my collar and gave me a big, juicy smooch on the lips. 

I was shocked. Within seconds, I felt his stubble poking my chin. His warmth filled me with a happiness I had never felt in my life. I leaned into it, kissing back with a ferocity that nearly overtook him. 

“You’ve come at last. I’ve been waiting for someone like you all this time,” he whispered. I couldn’t do anything but nod slowly. He chuckled. 

Suddenly, loud, angry footsteps reverberated from outside of the cell. 

“Dammit,” he whispered furiously, Italian curse words flowing out of his mouth. 

“W-what do we do now?” I stuttered. Before anything could be said or done, there were armed policemen in front of us. 

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!” one of them shouted, his voice booming and echoing around the cell. I stood up, putting an arm across Luigi. 

“Back off,” I growled. “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness…”

I couldn’t have expected what Luigi would do next. He shoved my arm back down, and whispered, “Let it happen.” 

I glanced at him, then at the police who had handcuffs ready. Let it happen. The words looped through my head like a GIF. Let it happen. 

The police grabbed me with their dusty hands. I was tempted to lick them in self-defense. However, I resisted. Let it happen. It finally clicked—both the handcuffs and the idea. The police hauled the knocked-out policemen away and slammed the prison bars shut. It was just me and Luigi now.

Staring at him in awe I said, “You really are rad! Luigi, a man with beauty, brawn, and brains… is there anything you can’t do?” 

He chuckled. “I’d do anything for you, tesoro,” he spoke with his rich, husky voice. “I couldn’t risk letting go of you… it was like love at first sight. Your beta-like presence was much too irresistible for me to pass on, mio amore.” 

I was heavily offended, but only for a second. In the end, he was mine, all mine. 

I leaned in to kiss him again and fell face down on the cold, dusty floor due to my dust high, unable to do anything but lick it as my hands were cuffed behind my back. 

Even though the jailbreak was a failure, I got exactly what I wanted—my beautiful boy Luigi. I kicked my feet and giggled, and I guess you could say, we did, in fact, live happily ever after.

The end. 

(A/N: Please, don’t cancel me for this! No flames, please!)