“Dear Incoming Teachers…”
Reading Time: 3 minutes
If you have two ears and a brain, you have surely heard the latest salacious Stuyvesant scandal: the teachers have broken into the Dear Incoming Class groups. Thanks to a crack hacking team spearheaded by computer science teacher David Holmes and the goblin who runs Talos, our teachers were somehow able to log on to Facebook and join a Facebook group. From the Fortnite lean stock at the sophomore bar to the cheating scandals supposed to be prevented by certain caucus presidents, the entire operation has been exposed.
Our Spectator reporters decided to look deeper into the issue.
A freshman, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I wrote an entire rant about my [REDACTED] Global teacher, hoping for some words of encouragement from my schoolmates. A few seconds after I hit post, I received a private message on Messenger which said that unless I deleted that post and posted another one saying that it was a joke, my Global grade would be in jeopardy.” They then broke into hysterics and ran away.
Senior Jane Badall, a bassoonist and aspiring FBI laboratorist, greeted our news team. “Yo yo yo, what's poppin my little sibs! Oh, the ‘Dear Incoming…’ Facebook groups teacher thing? Hmm… yeah, I think I heard something about that. How could I not, really, with the Student Union president sobbing about it everywhere I go? Yeah no kizzy, we were in forensics one time and my DNA sample got all messed up. Salt water isn't supposed to get into the buffer, you know; messes up the electrical current…”
Badall proceeded to dust off her shoulders for the next five minutes before continuing. “Well, rumor has it, and we don't really know which teacher found this out, that some old crone from the English department caught some kids bad mouthing her on the Class of ‘24 forum and made them perform Romeo and Juliet in front of strangers on the streets of Manhattan as a ‘field trip.’ It’s a bit ridiculous, especially since the time when she penalized the class for not knowing the diameter of Shakespeare's left nut is still fresh in everyone’s mind.” Badall went on to rant about her ninja skills, upcoming regents tests, and “sports, you know?”
After being asked about her thoughts on the scandal, junior Cién Hyur divulged something she had learned after four (likely five) years of experience. “The teachers here, they’re on a different level. People think they’re mid, but I’m telling you, they aren’t. No cap. Never underestimate them; you will regret it.” Hyur then did the hokey pokey in front of us while reciting Euclid’s fifth postulate in proper Stuyvesant fashion, leaving us with no doubt that she was being truthful.
Several rumors have been whispered around the school, each one more outrageous than the next.
After some difficult digging, a plausible motive behind this security breach has been unearthed. An anonymous source explained that “one day the Facebook group manager consumed a bit too much ‘grape juice’ as well as pixie sticks from the sophomore stash.” So, it’s understandable to any sweet tooth that was under the influence of the magical properties of the sophomore stash let everyone into the “Dear Incoming…” groups without checking their answers to the security questions.
The stress of teacher involvement in these groups has clearly gotten to many, as is evident in this student e-mail to the SU:
Subject: IMPORTANT- REPLY WITHIN 24-HOURS OR REGRET IT
Ur Mom <firstname.lastname@example.org>
to Shivali Korgaonkar <email@example.com>▾
Bro? The [REDACTED]? What’s [REDACTED] wrong with y’all? I JOINED THE [REDACTED] GROUP BECAUSE MY [REDACTED] BIG SIB SAID THAT I SHOULD JOIN BECAUSE IT’S [REDACTED] HELPFUL. I [REDACTED] TRUSTED Y’ALL. U GUYS R SO MID, EVEN FRESHMAN CAUCUS IS BETTER. GO GET SOME [REDACTED] WITH A BUCKET OF DYNAMITE. I WASN'T EXPECTING MY [REDACTED] AP CALC TEACHER TO [REDACTED] FAIL ME BECAUSE SHE SAW MY [REDACTED] POST ABOUT HOW [REDACTED] SHE IS! I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WOULD KEEP EM OUT.
IF YOU DON’T CLICK HERE ISTG. Solve this problem before 24 hours are up or else.
The end of this student-teacher conflict has yet to be reached, and we hope that all can be resolved without too many angry e-mails and Euclid offerings. In the meantime, be careful about what you post, and make sure that you only do drugs moderately, dear fellow Stuyvesant students!