Dear Incoming Class of 2027…THE SPECTATOR HAS ADVICE!
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If you are reading this article right now, chances are you are a freshman. A 24.28229665 percent chance, to be more precise. Also, being precise is key to passing math class. It is, after all, how you passed the SHSAT.
Apologies. Got a bit off track there. Let’s try again, shall we?
Dear Class of 2027…The Spectator would formally like to welcome you to Stuyvesant High School. You persisted through the subject-verb agreement issues, misplaced modifiers, mock exams, and all the other horrors of the SHSAT. Now, for better or worse, you are part of the Stuyvesant family!
Just like in any good family, your older siblings here would like to give you some advice. We’ve been through it all. We know how you feel. And because we care, we are here to help you out.
First, our qualifications. After our combined 70 plus years of experience, we know it is crucial to understand one’s qualifications before taking advice from them.
Writer Tamiyyah Shafiq has been teaching at Stuyvesant High School for over twenty years and has finally, after all these years, been promoted to the position of “Big Sib” just last May. Being both a teacher and a student at Stuyvesant has been invaluable to Shafiq’s academic performance. Prior to teaching at Stuyvesant, Shafiq was director of the United States Secret Service, serving under President George W. Bush.
Writer Madelyn Li Nunez will reach the ripe age of 69 this upcoming December 12, also known as National Ding-A-Ling Day. Though Shafiq’s accomplishments are quite jaw-dropping, the widowed Nunez’s list of achievements she calls the lavish-list-of-fools-errands-I-ran-because-I-wanted-to-go-to-Harvard-but-ended-up-in-a-community-college does not fall short. Not only is Nunez the reincarnated Al Capone, but she was also the head marine engineer for the OceanGate Titan (jeez, I wonder why she did not get into Harvard), was one of the first girls to attend Stuyvesant High School and has not yet received her diploma because the people of Stuy simply love her to pieces and cannot fathom to let her go (also because she still has not yet passed swim gym). With 50+ years of experience at the top specialized high school, she is another reliable source for the survival of the smartest at said school.
But now, with that out of the way, let us, without further adieu, get to the advice.
Wait. One last thing. Kindly follow @stuyspectator on Instagram before continuing to read.
1. Cafeteria Food = Brain Food
Every public school in the U.S. serves the most vile, nauseating, and stomach-churning school lunches in the world. But Stuyvesant is not like the other schools. The cafeteria of the top specialized high school serves food that is grown from its personal rooftop garden and packed full of nutrients and brain-enhancing drugs. Dining hall meals are prepared by Michelin Star-level chefs, and each food item has been reviewed by none other than Gordan Ramsay. Whether you are an “idiot sandwich,” “panini head,” or “muppet,” the food from the Stuyvesant cafeteria will turn you into the next Terrence Tao. Reportedly, despite the veggie nuggets’ dryness, with a bit of the Four-in-One hot sauce packets next to the other condiments found as you exit the lunch line, you will gain one IQ point per bite. Yes, you also have to swallow.
2. Befriend Your Locker… Or Else
We have all lost our socks in the washing machine. But have you lost your phone, partner, sneakers, homework, lunches, and clothes because your locker ate it? Well, we have. This is why you must create an unbreakable bond with your locker. If it does not respect you, you might as well buy a bigger backpack to carry your belongings with you so they do not disappear into thin air. And do not even think about requesting a new locker. They talk.
So this is what you do to become besties with your locker. [REDACTED. KINDLY CONTACT THE SPECTATOR TO HAVE ACCESS TO THIS CONFIDENTIAL PIECE OF INFORMATION.]
Please take befriending your locker seriously. Nunez became a widow after her locker ate her husband and Shafiq is still missing her lunch from her first day of sophomore year.
3. The Stuyvesant Weightlifting Program
Though you and your locker are now (hopefully) closer than two peas in a pod, you still need to carry all of your textbooks. I know, I know. Why go through all of tip three just to carry all of your textbooks? If you do this for all of your years at Stuyvesant, you will be awarded a special award at the Awards Ceremony during graduation. Only a small amount of this award has been distributed, and it is held in an even higher regard than the 100 percent attendance award. This brilliant idea is part of the Stuyvesant Weightlifting program, which aims to turn scrawny nerds into nerdy buff studs.
4. The Sophomore Bar, Junior Atrium, Senior Bar, And Senior Atrium are OFF LIMITS
If you are a freshman and wander into the Sophomore Bar, Junior Atrium, Senior Bar, or Senior Atrium, you better hope you do not look like a freshman. Otherwise, adiós amigo. The only place you belong is the half-floor. Last school year, the freshman overtook the Junior Atrium from the juniors, who called for war. Those who invaded the peacefulness of the juniors’ territory eventually transferred out of Stuyvesant to Brooklyn Tech to end the torture. Every. Single. Freshman. The class of ‘26 will be the only non-existent graduating class throughout all of Stuyvesant High School history. The Freshman-Junior War of 2023’s events are too explicit to go into further detail. However, video clips on OverSimplified with papaphobia, zemmiphobia, and anatidaephobia warnings are available.
5. Terry’s V.S. Ferry’s
Terry’s v. Ferry’s, the ultimate battle, is even more serious than the Freshman-Junior War of 2023. If you do not hold a strong opinion on this debate, then people will view you as a weakling and walk all over you. Don’t be a little runt; be a strong, independent person who does not allow people to take advantage of you.
P.S. Terry’s > Ferry’s
6. Do Not Wash Your Gym Uniform
“What do you mean do not wash your gym uniform?” I meant what I said: do not wash your gym uniform. Do not spray it with anything, do not put soap on it, do not put it in water, and do not put it in the wash. You must keep the smell, dirt, and grime on your gym clothes throughout your high school journey. How else are you going to assert your dominance during the basketball unit? The ballroom dancing unit? Please do not get me started on the PACER test. Stinky clothes are a hard worker’s clothes, and a hard worker passes gym class. If you ever decide to wash your gym clothes, you might as well begin preparing for gym summer school because you are failing. As a matter of fact, just to be safe, wear your gym clothes 24/7. Show your gym teachers your commitment to their class, and earn their praise correctly (not by volunteering to lead warm-ups every class).
7. Whole Foods Is Free Food
You may have heard whispers about how Stuyvesant students get discounts in specific stores if we show our student IDs through the Student Union’s StuyVantage program. But did you know that Whole Foods has a special partnership with Stuyvesant, allowing all its students to get an endless supply of free grocery food from the grocery store? So if you ever see Stuyvesant students walking out of Whole Foods with food they didn’t pay for, they aren’t stealing, so join in on the fun!*
If you have further questions, contact firstname.lastname@example.org, and we will answer immediately. We sincerely hope this advice helps you throughout the rest of your four (or five) years at Stuyvesant High School.
Good luck! You will need it!
*Note: The Spectator is not liable for any potential harm that may result from following the provided advice. Use discretion and consider seeking professional advice when needed.