David Hogg’s Harvard Interview

An anonymous self-described libertarian from the New Regulations Association has given The Spectator an audio recording of David Hogg’s interview with a Harvard University alumnus, whom we will refer to as John Doe. Based off of this totally unedited recording, we have compiled a transcript of the interview.

*sound of a door opening*

*David Hogg enters, shakes hands with the alumnus, and sits down*

DAVID HOGG: Pleasure to meet you, err…

JOHN DOE: I’m Mr. John Doe. Nice to meet you, David Hogg. I see you’re rocking your iconic black T-shirt with your classic oversized duffel bag slung over your shoulder. Cool look, bro.

DAVID HOGG: Thanks, Mr. Doe. The police really appreciate me bringing them confiscated assault rifles.

JOHN DOE: You’re the press secretary for the…

DAVID HOGG: Actually, I am the press. Well, except for Fox News anyway.

JOHN DOE: Oh, errr, yes, Mr. Hogg. You’re also the press secretary for the Starch For Our Chives movement; you have a 4.2 weighted GPA, have appeared on more television shows than I can remember, and have shut down more television shows than I can count. That’s an impressive resume, sir. The only problem is that you have a 1270 SAT score. As you may already know, the average student at an Ivy League school has an SAT score of only 1520, which is already a staggering 80 points below the maximum. With your…

DAVID HOGG: That also happens to be the number of Ivy League professors who have written letters of recommendation for me.

JOHN DOE: Wut?

DAVID HOGG: Minus the number of times I’ve cursed on national television.

*John Doe starts coughing profusely*

DAVID HOGG: Minus the number of times I’ve worn this exact suit and shirt combo.

*John Doe starts wheezing*

DAVID HOGG: Without washing it.

*John Doe shouts some expletives in a muffled voice, apparently having buried his nose in the crook of his arm*

DAVID HOGG: Minus the number of times I’ve hung up on the White House.

*John Doe’s body hits the carpet with an audible thud!*

DAVID HOGG: Minus the number of times I’ve said “No more!” Oh hey, that’s one more!

JOHN DOE: I think that’s enough. Here’s a swear jar and your letter of admission.