Date-ability Guide

Tired of seeing all of your friends making new posts about “getting cuffed”? Sick of spending your Valentine's Days at home binge-eating ice cream and cup noodles? Are you too nervous to ask out your crush? Well then, this article is for you! The following four categories will let you know whether or not you have the elite genes required to get yourself a girl or mans.

For the low cost of $19.99 + tax—wait, we’re not allowed to charge people for these articles? Fine, it’s your lucky day. For the low cost of $0, you can find out whether or not you are an A+ boyfriend/girlfriend material.

Intellect

(3 points) You are a god-gifted prodigy. You have a 1600 on your SAT, a 36 on your ACT, and 5s on each of the 40 APs you have taken since entering high school thanks to your Time Turner. Hermione would be proud of you.

(2 points) You are exceptionally gifted. You have maintained a 94+ GPA and have scored in the top five percent on the SAT and ACT. In the four AP exams you’ve taken, you’ve scored a mixture of 4s and 5s.

(1 point) You have moderate levels of intellect. Your grades lie between 80 and the low 90s. You have gotten acceptable SAT grades and haven’t bothered with the ACT. AP classes are for chumps.

(0 points) You are barely passing your classes, and have scores in the 50th percentile on the SAT and ACT. At least you’re good at art and writing so you can be unemplo—I mean an artist/writer in the future.

Wealth

(3 points) Your dad owns Epic Games, and your allowance consists of 4000 VBucks a day. You have the money to go to expensive pasta places for dates.

(2 points) Your parents give you a regular allowance. You are wealthy enough to get guacamole every time you go to Chipotle without a second thought. You only shop for groceries at Whole Foods.

(1 point) The average Joe, you can only spend whatever money you’ve earned over the summer. You are willing to treat your significant other to bubble tea on occasion, as long as the stamp goes on your card.

(0 points) Cup noodles every day. At least you can provide for your bae, right?

Aesthetic Appeal

(3 points) You are a god among humans. Just walking out of your house causes anyone within a 10-meter radius to swoon. You are the reason why half of the LGBTQ+ community exists. Of course, you are forced to cut class to prevent chaos.

(2 points) Everyone secretly admires you as you pass them by on the street. People have accidently cut themselves on your washboard abs. Every day, you are forced to reject at least five confessions.

(1 point) You go to the gym a couple times a month, but refuse to eat healthy, leading to a fit body concealed by a thin layer of fat. I’m sure at least one person secretly harbors a crush on you.

(0 points) Your face makes Jabba the Hutt look like Chris Hemsworth. You look like a combination between a pinecone and a deformed marshmallow.

Personality

(3 points) Your personality is on point. There is no one in existence who can turn down your friendship. Barack Obama follows you on Instagram. God has you on speed dial. You are number one on Santa’s nice list. Heck, even the Grinch begrudgingly likes you.

(2 points) You are one of the most popular people in school. You have reached 2000 friends on Facebook, and regularly dap your homies on the escalator. Your smile is warm enough to melt ice.

(1 point) You have a couple close friends, and most people in your grade at least know your name. You have it alright as far as personality is concerned, but could always stand to be a little less uptight.

(0 points) Your personality is at rock bottom. Cold oatmeal has more flavor than you, you sad excuse for a human being.

(-1 points) You pewpetuawwy speak wike this. Youw pewsonyawity has hit wock bottom wong ago, and wathew than settwe at the bottom, it has sunk wight thwough. Owo this nyegative point, you sowwy excuse fow an existence.

Results

12 points—There is no human in existence who can match your brilliance. Better hope someone invents a cloning machine so you can finally find your match.

11-8 points—You are very attractive, and chances are, your crush likes you back. If only you had the guts to ask them out…

7-4 points—You’re alright, I guess. You can always shoot your shot. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t make, right?

3-0 points—Forget about it. Spend the next year contemplating your mistakes and take this quiz again afterwards. Maybe you will improve your score.

-1 points—You need to see a therapist.