“Christmas Democracy” Gone Awry

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Issue 8, Volume 112

By Muhib Muhib 

Last week, Stuyvesant’s unfettered love for Christmas spontaneously generated a grotesque democracy. During a minutes presentation in an English class, savage outbursts, animated by Christmas passions, assaulted the presenter after she admitted that she had forgotten her minutes gift for the class.

Though the announcement was initially met with silence, a frenzied chorus of dissonance quickly tore through the room. Students, united in mild inconvenience, harped on the presenter’s predicament and issued demands to permit her exoneration. The class asked for many things, but none could be heard. The people drowned themselves out in a familiar cannibalizing enterprise, resulting in no business being conducted. Chaos came merrily.

Alarmed by this uproar, the presenter attempted to leave, only to be pinned to the wall by a manic class. Fervently, the class began to deliberate over the orator’s punishment. They had only agreed on “Christmas songs” before their consensus gave way to disorder.

Christmas brought hope. In typical fashion, the holidays brought together disparate groups. Regardless of their opinion or geographical location, from the left to the right side of the room, the students all agreed on Christmas.

In a show of unity, as well as tradition, the class collectively massacred Christmas melodies, from “All I Want For Christmas” to “Winter Wonderland,” in a glamorous sing-along. After that hideous ritual, the class tried to decide on the specific song for the presenter to sing. And it was amid the decision that the democracy collapsed into competing factions.

In vicious debate, the crowd tore itself apart into competing melodies; chaos devolved into a tortuous process. The procedural quirks of the make-shift assembly eventually burned through the presenter’s last shred of patience.

The tired presenter, in a pitiful voice, conceded to the constitution of the “Christmas democracy” and accepted her punishment. Alas, the room denied their concession. The “Let It Snow” club, outraged by the possibility that the dominant “Jingle Bell Rock” group could claim victory in the speaker’s surrender, agitated the assembly to denounce the presenter as an enemy of Christmas.

Despite this verdict, some sympathized with the presenter and challenged the decision. Eventually, the sympathizers secured enough support within the “Nutcracker” bloc to welcome the presenter into the “Christmas democracy” after promising to sing “Feliz Navidad” next class.

The presenter went into hiding after class, having no intention of ever fulfilling her promise. On a related note, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration announced that it would begin an investigation of the “Christmas democracy” following an anonymous complaint. However, that is unlikely to stop the mad mob.