Celestial Messages

Punny (and sometimes sardonic) horoscopes.

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Capricorn: Even when you feel less than the Greatest Of All Time (GOAT), there’s no excuse for a capricious attitude. A few (capri)corny jokes could ease your moody disposition and your stony heart.

Aquarius: You’re an air sign, not an airhead. You’ll never let anyone rain on your parade, so why do you bear water in your arms?

Pisces: The world is your oyster this year, but please ensure that you have honest intentions. Are you hiding any tricks behind your gills? You’ve been exceptionally fishy lately.

Aries: Ram into 2018 in all its fiery glory. Don’t let anyone pull the wool over your eyes. Especially if people are challenging your leader(sheep) abilities.

Taurus: Take the bull by the horns! You will need to leave the herd one day. A new opportunity is no bullfight, so don’t be afraid to charge right in.

Gemini: You’re capable of letting your dreams and your reality go on a (twin)ning spree. However, Gem, you’ll never accomplish that if you pose as a fraud.

Cancer: Something will get you feeling awfully crabby this month. There’s no need to retreat into your shell and quietly wallow in your misery about it, though.

Leo: Dishonesty was never your forte; don’t be a copycat and sacrifice your integrity. Study what puts your pride into question, whether it be a person or that academic subject you’ve been putting off.

Virgo: You’re the zodiac’s maiden, but you’re no damsel-in-distress. An epiphany of your own is brewing. Pay no mind to any exclamations of “(Virg)NO” coming from those beneath you.

Libra: If sarcasm was an art, you’d be Beethoven. Leave it to your contemporaries to determine whether they should listen to you when it’s time to face the music. It shouldn’t be a problem when the scales are tipped in your favour.

Scorpio: You emerge from beneath the surface with venomous intention. Your words are a lethal sting, but your actions are even more potent: drag whomever triggers you down into your underworld.

Sagittarius: Archer, you just might hit the bullseye with whatever you are currently pursuing. The only way you’ll fail is if you shoot for the wrong objective. But even then, serendipity will find a way to reach you and give you a second shot toward your goal.