Bridge Troll Gobbles Up Freshmen

Entranced by the warmer weather, the legendary Bridge Troll has been coming out to prey on Stuyvesant’s youngest students, who have been stricken by fear since its emergence. The Troll is extremely fat and covered in hair. Even though he appears to be quite unathletic, he possesses remarkable strength. The creature lounges around on the Tribeca Bridge and asks first-year students questions about partial differential calculus proofs. If they can’t give an appropriate answer, the Bridge Troll ferociously gobbles them up, licking his lips and looking around for more freshmen. The Troll doesn’t seem to have a preference with his victims, eating all freshmen equally. The Stuyvesant Library’s Restricted Section records a history of 639 troll sightings and mishaps throughout the decades, but this is the first one in many years. Sophomore APES students have proposed that global warming has increased New York’s temperature enough to awaken the Troll from his decade-long slumber. The library also possesses the Guide to Bridge Monsters, fished out of the Troll’s stomach in 1952. This guide, written by Adam Zuchiny, contains information about the Troll’s biology, gathered through careful observation and the collection of samples of skin, hair, pus, and lymphatic fluid. Zuchiny, according to the author’s note in the front of the book, was a freshman in 1952, a determined biologist, and a cat lover. Unfortunately, the “How to Defeat” section is mysteriously unfinished, with the last sentence blurred out by drops of Troll slobber. The Spectator’s finest investigative journalists attempted to track down Zuchiny to seek his advice on the matter. Searching through libraries, public archives, and sock drawers, they managed to find a phone number tied to his family. Zuchiny did not respond to a request for comment, as he appears to have gone missing during his freshman year and was never found.

In fear of the Troll, the school’s administration has fled to Sicily, even though the Troll seems completely uninterested in adults. Principal Yu said in an Instagram reel that “for our safety, we have been forced by the DOE to retreat to this all-inclusive, five-star Sicilian beach resort for a few weeks,” adding that “if there was anything I could do, I would totally do it.” Before the video ended, a teacher was heard saying, “Come on, Seung! The pizzas arrived!” Nowhere in the reel, or any communications for that matter, were instructions on how to keep the school running in his absence. 

The administration’s flight has led to the de facto seizure of command by the Stuyvesant Soviet Party (SSP). The chairman of the SSP, Kingston G. Baranov, has created a task force to remove the Troll from the Tribeca Bridge by any means necessary. “We will not let this troll problem stop us!” Baranov proclaimed in a speech last night. In a deep, reassuring, and titillating voice, he assured that he would do everything to ensure that “no more members of the United Stuyvesant Soviet Republic will be harmed,” and that the Troll would be disposed of quickly and ruthlessly.

Unfortunately, this troll problem is rather hard to solve. Top members of Stuyvesant’s Speech and Debate team carefully approached the Troll in an attempt to negotiate, but he did not budge. Reportedly unfazed by logic, bargaining, or basic empathy, some members burst into tears as they failed to make effective arguments and rebuttals. “No matter what I throw at him, he just licks his lips and stares hungrily,” one girl cried. The Bridge Troll seems to have a deep love for his activities and cannot be persuaded out of his dietary choices. Being practically invulnerable, the Troll cannot be incapacitated via normal means. However, his round body makes him somewhat rollable. Numerous members of the Stuyvesant Bowling Team have been making a plan to knock down the Troll and roll him into the chilly Hudson River, where he will hopefully be flushed away and become New Jersey’s problem. Training every day of spring break in the gymnasium and using newly admitted eighth graders as their imitation trolls, the group of five will make their attempt tomorrow.