BREAKING: SLIWA EXPOSED! What is REALLY Under the Beret?

As election day approaches, The Spectator has covered nearly everything, from an in-depth analysis of each candidate’s policies to Zohran Mamdani’s experience at The Bronx High School of Science. However, The Spectator has overlooked one key aspect of this tight mayoral race that will alter the tides forever. Above all else, the single item that will decide the outcome of the race is… Curtis Sliwa’s signature red beret. Sliwa and his Guardian Angels can be easily identified by their berets, adopted from the French. It is through our newly acquired groundbreaking information that we will show you that a red beret is not the only red accessory that Sliwa dons. For the sake of the city’s most prestigious newspaper, we are determined to expose the truth about Sliwa to the world.

In a New York Post interview from 2010, Sliwa’s beret slipped 10 minutes and five seconds into the interview, revealing a small, spiraling, gray tail under his iconic headwear. Through comprehensive and robust analysis, the tail undoubtedly belongs to none other than the uncouth, unwashed, widely-detested mafia family of New York City: the rat. 

 A red herring is defined as a clue or piece of information that is meant to mislead the viewer. It is no coincidence that Sliwa’s beret is both red and fishy. No matter how much he tries to bury the truth, we at The Spectator are determined to reveal the slimy truth. Through months of careful observation, we have concluded that Sliwa is being controlled in a ratatouille-style scheme by the notorious Ratto family of New York. The only thing that the red beret is “guarding” is the corruption and dark underbelly of our city. 

The reality is that no one is perfect, and Sliwa is no exception; his slip-ups are rare, but glaring. In an interview found on YouTube Shorts, Sliwa referred to himself as a “two-legged rat.” Despite what you may have been led to believe, this is not a funny joke; this is a textbook display of what years of psychological torment can do to an honest New Yorker. As three-year Quora user and grocery store cashier Ratt N. Cheez explains, Stockholm syndrome is “where you feel love for someone who is holding you captive… For example, having Stockholm syndrome towards a scammer, you feel somehow bound to them after a period of time.” Who is Curtis Sliwa if not someone who is becoming one with their captor, and who are the rats if not scammers? 

Notably, Sliwa allegedly owns 17 cats. He has a notorious affinity for the felines, the sworn enemy of New York’s rat population. Many in pursuit of the truth would stop here, making the careless error of mistaking this fondness for cats as indicative of his opposition to rats. This is not reality; this is what “Sliwa” wants you to think. When asked about his solution to New York City’s rat problem, he told reporters that he would employ a cuckoo cat to get the job done. The catch is that cats are statistically terrible at catching vermin. Look no further than the groundbreaking 1940 nature documentary, Tom and Jerry, to see this startling reality.

Our final piece of evidence only revealed itself to us recently, when in a written interview with Sliwa from his first mayoral race, he revealed that the letter R was broken on his keyboard, forcing him to rely on the letter C in its place. In an attempt to write, “I love going to raves”, Sliwa wrote “I love going to caves.” While no one second-guessed whether Sliwa really enjoyed experiencing Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, Sliwa massively fumbled when it came to answering, “What is your favorite animal?” In response, Sliwa wrote “cats.” Many readers forgot that his keyboard was broken, perpetuating a belief that Sliwa was a big cat fan, forcing him to commit to the bit. We have seen through Sliwa! We know that his favorite animal is the rat, and his broken keyboard can’t stop us. The truth is out, Sliwa! Rats!

But what does his secret (not so secret now!) rat do for him? Of course, the world-renowned documentary Ratatouille (2007) provides a prime example of a rat controlling a person through their hat in order to achieve such a prodigious goal. In Ratatouille, Remy (a rat) tugs at chef Alfredo’s hair to teach him how to cook. If a rat can work in a Parisian restaurant, surely a rat can run for mayor. The similarities are undeniable. Both Sliwa and Alfredo constantly wear their hats to cover up their gray-tailed friends. Both Sliwa and Alfredo have to be trained by someone else. Both Sliwa and Alfredo strive for nearly unattainable goals. It’s not a coincidence that Sliwa has become bald after all that pulling. The power of rats is unimaginable, and as humans, our underestimation of them provides them with the perfect opportunity to manipulate both Parisian restaurants and mayoral elections to their advantage. Instead of focusing on Cuomo’s bodega order, we must concentrate on Sliwa’s head and what it’s hiding. If we don’t, the fate of our city is at stake!

Yet, in the most high-stakes part of the mayoral race, the debates, Sliwa was seen without his beret and thus, presumably, without his trusty assistant. We believe that Mr. Sliwa realized that we were on his tail and made this bold fashion decision to throw us off. But we are no fools, and we will not fall for Mr. Sliwa’s ratical agenda. Neural chips have advanced faster than ever, and we also know that Sliwa is vaccinated. There is no doubt in any of our minds that this change is nothing more than another step ahead of us that the rats have gone.

It’s not too late to end this threat once and for all. Each and every one of us can take a stand against the rats in our own ways. Stop storing food in your lockers. Stop dropping bagels on the subway tracks. Comply with the scanner ladies when they force you to remove your hat. This disturbing truth we have uncovered is unfortunate, but not inevitable. Let’s take that step and change New York City—for the cheddar or worse.