BREAKING NEWS: Stuyvesant H.S. AP Bio Students Linked to Hantavirus Outbreak

A recent viral outbreak has occurred amongst the students of Stuyvesant High School. The outbreak took place during the administration of the AP Biology exam, where multiple test-takers reported witnessing nonstop coughing and sniffling. One anonymous student claims that it “sounded like everyone’s T-cells had given up.”

Another claims that the person sitting next to him kept hacking “like he was trying to cough out his liver with audible myofibril movement” and that it sounded like “a cascade of mucus.” However, no serious concerns were raised at the time, as most students were mainly preoccupied with some FRQ about a DORN1 receptor being treated with chemicals. 

After the exam was completed, all seemed well at first as students filed out of the gyms and library to rant about the test with their peers. However, this mysterious sickness quickly spread throughout the densely-packed school, and after half of STC called in sick to rehearsals it became clear that this virus was no longer being contained just within the scope of AP Bio nerds, and was quickly coined the “AP Bio Plague.” An estimated 30 percent of the student population has come into contact with this virus so far, causing widespread concern and hysteria among faculty and teachers. Some faculty and staff were spotted raiding the school bathrooms and fighting each other over the toilet paper after news of the situation triggered their PTSD from 2020. After a week of outbreak, Principal Yu has declared the situation a “schoolwide health crisis” and ordered the situation to be carefully monitored and studied. The school nurse has been tasked with studying infected patients in an attempt to identify a cure.

Cases of this plague typically begin with a sore throat, followed by a runny nose, dry cough, and potential fever. Five days into the infection, symptoms start to worsen, and patients find themselves experiencing vivid hallucinations, such as the concept of finally getting over eight hours of sleep, an intense craving for caffeinated beverages, and a desire to consume Ticonderoga pencils. Many students and even some teachers were noticeably absent from their classes the week following the AP Biology exam, having caught the plague, and were forced to stay home. There have been no confirmed fatalities yet, but multiple teachers have reported students returning their test-taking pencils with bites taken out of them, and the coffee cart next to the 1/2/3 train station has reported a 300 percent increase in sales of triple espresso shots. One survivor of the virus claims to have experienced a prophetic dream about finally getting 105 on their math test, only to turn the page over and see that it was their SAT score.

After the school nurse had accidentally infected herself with the virus, she recruited Stuyvesant High School’s very own AP Bio students to help investigate with the promise of one singular point of extra credit. Their successful lab has revealed the genetic information of the AP Bio virus. By using leftover materials from the gel electrophoresis lab to compare a sample of the viral (haha viral!) hantavirus they had smuggled off of a cruise ship, the students found that the two viruses were 99 percent similar. It is suspected that the virus had been transported to the school by one of the many rats that live on the seventh floor, who recently returned from a family vacation to Saint Helena. The students reportedly attempted to conduct further research on the virus on Gizmos but promptly realized that they had all forgotten their login info. Nevertheless, the groundbreaking discovery earned them a visit to Principal Yu’s office, where he agreed to take a selfie with them and the microscope pictures of the virus, which looked suspiciously like digital drawings…

This situation will continue to be carefully monitored, and all precautions will be taken to prevent further spread of the AP Biology strain of hantavirus. Further updates will be provided as the situation continues to develop. We are aware that this may appear concerning but urge our many, many readers to remain calm, as the school administration has everything under control and has successfully contained the spread of the AP Biology plague by enforcing the use of phone pouches as face masks. There is no reason to panic, as the situation has already been swiftly dealt with. The virus no longer poses a threat to the—sniff—to the school—cough cough COUGH COUAGHH—