Breaking News! Freshmen From Homeroom 1KK Flee Stuyvesant
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A freshman couple from Homeroom 1KK fled the Stuyvesant High School building on Thursday, April 1, 2021, during third period of blended learning. The duo was discovered in Montgomery, Alabama, on April 3 at approximately 2:00 a.m. According to official FBI records, the couple was staying at an inn and was discovered when one of their parents received an email about an excessive amount of money being spent on a credit card to pay for the couple’s room, as well as some lotion, classified pills, a belt, a flashlight, and a packet of balloons. It is unclear what their intentions were with those items. They will remain anonymous in this article in order to protect their identities.
Through a thorough investigation, it’s been discovered that the couple used a well-known escape route in one of the staircases. “Yeah, on the second floor around second or third period, Principal Yu opens the window while singing along to some K-pop. When I was around there a week ago, he was singing to Red Velvet’s ‘Psycho’ and BTS’s ‘Dynamite,’” said an anonymous junior. “The freshies probably jumped off the floor and safely hit the grass when Principal Yu left to go to the bathroom.”
While it is commonly known throughout the school that the principal loves K-pop, the principal refutes these so-called “absurd” claims. “Lies! I love those groups, but I would never sing their songs in the Stuyvesant building, at least not publicly! I was simply practicing for my audition for Big Hit next week,” Yu said. “I will, however, admit that I was the one who opened the window. To all the parents and students, I sincerely apologize.”
Though The Spectator was unable to interview and find the true intentions of the couple due to them being banned from talking to anyone, there are many speculations spreading around the building. “I heard that their parents never approved of their relationship because they’re first cousins. That’s why they fled to Alabama because it’s more socially acceptable to date your own relative there. Isn’t that so romantic? It’s like the classic Romeo and Juliet story,” said an anonymous sophomore, a supporter of this couple.
Days before the incident, the freshman couple reportedly talked to their assigned homeroom Big Sib. When asked what the best possible action they should take should be, the anonymous junior Big Sib told them to run away. “I thought they were joking when they said that they wanted to run away from all the ‘pressures and expectations of society.’ I assumed they were talking about their hatred for Freshman Biology, so I told them to run away to the closest state with the worst education so life could be easier, as a joke,” the anonymous Big Sib said. “And I guess they chose Alabama.”
Several parents have voiced their concerns about the news. “We expect the Big Sib program to be role models for our precious children,” said one distraught freshman parent. “How can we trust the Big Sibs and administrators if they couldn’t even stop two cousins from running away to Alabama to hook up with each other?”
The Big Sib Chairs have also commented on this situation, as there was much criticism concerning how the Big Sib in question handled the situation and how the Big Sib even got their position in the first place.“We’ve investigated the situation and found that the Big Sib involved in the recent scandal actually got their position through bribery. A past Big Sib Chair received a $10 Starbucks gift card in exchange for a seat in the program. The involved Big Sib will be removed from their position immediately,” the Big Sib Chairs wrote on a recent Facebook post in the Dear Incoming 2024 group. “We want all parents and students to understand that the Big Sib Program never has and never will tolerate this type of behavior from any of its members.”
The program has also updated various parts of their application for their new recruitment season this year. “We now require all potential and current Big Sibs to sign a contract that states that they will alert us and administrators whenever a Little Sib shows signs of desertion, unusual sexual behavior, and murderous intent, just in case,” one of the new Big Sib Chairs said in a Zoom interview.
The freshman couple is currently safe after being escorted back to New York by the FBI. They will be spending all free periods with Mr. Brian Moran, a dean at Stuyvesant High School. “I don’t particularly enjoy babysitting cousins and making sure they don’t kiss each other in my room, but it has to be done,” Moran said. “I also want to emphasize that I discourage all Stuyvesant students from running away from school. You’ll end up sitting with me and a photo of my family during lunch as I gossip about you to my fellow staff, and trust me, you don’t want to hear that.”