BREAKING NEWS: Band Room Thrown Into Chaos After Instruments Filled with Bizarre Items

STUYVESANT HIGH SCHOOL—Pandemonium struck the music department yesterday as multiple Band and Orchestra students reported finding unsettling objects inside their instruments, raising serious concerns about hygiene, safety, and common sense.

MILK-SAX MADNESS

The horror began during second-period concert band. Freshman saxophonist Chip Reed was trying to play an E-sharp scale but was instead met with a gurgling sound. Upon further investigation, he found himself face-to-face with a flood of warm, room-temperature milk gushing from his instrument. 

As a result, Reed was forced to use his sheet music to clean up the mess he had made. Although he declined to comment, his stand partner, senior Mold-e Reid, shared, “I felt bad for him, but I was even more mad that we have to reprint all our sheet music!”

When asked about the situation, freshman flutist Floot Loops admitted, “It didn’t sound as bad as I thought it would. This is concert band anyway. It already sounded like someone was gargling yogurt... My real question is why they didn’t use chocolate milk.”

Reed’s saxophone was feeling lactose intolerant.

FLUTE MCFLURRIES

The flutists, of course, were not exempt from the dairy disasters themselves (much to the chagrin of Floot Loops). When first-chair Pickle Low went to retrieve a school flute after being forced to play Mozart’s Flute Concerto No. 1 in G major (K. 313), he quickly realized that the instrument leaked Oreo McFlurry every time he tried to play a note. Low didn’t want to play Mozart, and now he’s stuck with a flute that only plays in the key of D(airy). 

Meanwhile, his section-mate, sophomore Tre Belle Cleph, had a different but equally sugary situation. She found that she was unable to get the keys of her flute unstuck (though it took her quite some time to notice) and upon close examination, discovered that the inside was mangled with Kool-Aid. 

“Maybe that’s why it was so airy,” she commented later on. “I can’t imagine that much Red-40 is good for a flute… maybe it contracted the flu(te), or something.”

JELLQUARIUM 

Orchestra students were also experiencing these anomalies. Sophomore cellist Dana Bowson opened her case to find a live goldfish swimming inside her instrument. Additionally, the fish was swimming in a jello-like substance. 

 Bowson shared, “I was shocked that there was a fish inside my cello. But it’s kind of cute and makes my vibratos sound better, so I’ll keep it. I might even name it. If my vibratos still need help, I can always add more fish.”

Thankfully, the fish has been safely relocated to the extremely large tank on the first floor, much to the disdain of Bowson. However, orchestra students have mysteriously been seen carrying fish around the school; when asked, they simply muttered something about the “11th-floor swimming pool” and hurried on their merry way. When asked about it, music teacher Joseph Tamositis shared, “Our orchestra has been sounding extra good recently, however, the floor of the band room has been sticky and smells sort of sweet?”

UPDATE: As of now, the original fish is alive and well, receiving fours on its swim gym assessments. 

CLARINETS BECOME MYSTERY SNACK DISPENSERS

Unfortunately, the calamity then struck clarinetists. During third-period symphonic band, sophomore Lacamp Anella heard a strange rattling sound coming from her clarinet. Concerned, she shook it, and Skittles began shooting out of her instrument.

Anella recounted, “I was doing my AP Precalculus homework on my stand, and when Dr. Winkel called me out for not playing, I turned my clarinet upside down, and, like, a whole bag of Skittles just poured out. I don’t remember putting them in there. But they made my reed taste sweet, so it’s a win-win for me, I guess.” 

Similarly, junior Jamie Keys had a similar experience, but instead of Skittles, it was a handful of sunflower seeds. Keys shares, “I don’t eat sunflower seeds. Who’s been using my clarinet as a snack drawer? And can you put good snacks at least?”

The usually most important section of the band has been rebranded as the vending machine of the band room. One has to play a scale to receive a snack. Just hope that the clarinet doesn’t steal your payment like the third floor vending machines.

BASS DRUM USED AS SPAGHETTI STRAINER, CYMBALS LAUNCH GLITTER

Although irrelevant, percussionists weren’t spared from the chaos either.

Senior drummer Sam Sanredrum made a terrifying discovery when his bass drum made a concerning wet slapping noise. “I looked inside and saw cold, limp spaghetti noodles. Just sitting there. They weren’t even properly salted.” Sanredrum shared, “I was expecting a drumroll, not a dinner roll.”

Equally unsettled, junior cymbalist Tina Clash found her cymbals would release glitter every time they were struck. She shared, “I didn’t put glitter in there. No one sane would put glitter in there. Either I have a very dedicated enemy or a really shiny one.” 

TRUMPET TROPICANA PUNCH

When emptying their spit valves for the third time in rehearsal, the trumpet players reported seeing orange liquid coming out of their trumpets. On further inspection, it turned out to be orange juice—yummy, but sticky. 

The extra boost of Vitamin C surprisingly benefited the trumpet section. The trumpetist reported having an easier time playing usually hard-to-hit notes. Senior trumpet player, Outto Oftune shared, “I just got my valves to unstick. Oh well, guess I have to blast a high C.”

The entire trumpet section voiced the same opinion, taking this as an opportunity to play as loud as they could. Additionally, the trumpet section has agreed to use orange juice instead of valve oil to unstick their valves, allowing for an extra zesty performance.

CELEBRATORY VIOLINS

In a fit of rage after one particularly challenging period of symphonic orchestra, Super Senior Vivi Aldi threw his violin down several flights of stairs. Upon impact, the instrument shattered and exploded in confetti. 

Witnesses reported Aldi standing there, frozen and open-mouthed in shock for approximately four seasons, before he shrugged and said, “It had it coming.” He then walked off into the dark stairwells of the Hudson Staircase.

His stand partner, freshman Chai Coughskee, rolled her eyes after being told the story. “This school is full of degenerates, isn’t it? And confetti? Are we rewarding violence now? This is what Stuyvesant has come to, all sax and violins.”

VIOLIST’S PERSONAL ACCOUNT

Who cares about violas?

ADMINISTRATION’S RESPONSE

In response to these unprecedented events, all musical activities have been paused. The administration is taking immediate steps to investigate the source of these intrusions. No suspects have been currently revealed by the music department, though there is an open line for any tips.  Band director Dr. Gregor Winkel and music teacher Joseph Tamosaitis are hard at work to find a solution to this problem. The two were seen in the green room filming increasingly incoherent TikToks asking the general public to search and find the culprit immediately. When asked about the situation, both Dr. Winkel and Tamosaitis advised, “Follow us on TikTok @BrassandGaslight and @SlayphonicOrchestra.”

As investigations continue, students are advised to inspect their instruments regularly and report any unusual findings to the music department immediately in room 129 or to the Music Department’s TikTok Tip Line.