I’m taking revenge by sabotaging program changes.

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By Skye McArthur

Oh baby, it’s that time of the year again. It’s my time to shine as the program office’s resident student Schedule-Arranging Geek Guiding Youth, or SAGGY for short. Program change season is coming up, and I’ve got access to Talos’s scheduling algorithm. This year, my New Year’s resolution is to pay back every person who’s wronged me—and a LOT of kids have wronged me.

To Laud Mauf, the person who doxxed my ASMR preferences to the entire senior atrium: I heard you in the hallways talking about wanting to go into economics and how you oh-so-badly needed to get AP Macroeconomics next semester for colleges to see your “academic prowess.” Maybe next time you see someone listening to “[ASMR] Octopus Girl Gives You a Tentacle Massage,” mind your own business. I did nothing to you. You’re going on the waitlist, buddy.

Meeinsee Nyeryeer, I see you dropped first period math team, probably because you wanted to get first free and sleep in. I also know you’re the person who sent in that picture of me to @stuysleeps a few months ago, and you know, I didn’t appreciate it very much. Well, you can drop math team… but you’re getting Algebra II first period instead, and second period free, and eighth period lunch. You wanted some frees; you’re getting them.

And Deech Herspett, why did you have to remind our Calculus teacher to post the homework? I followed you to your next class—it happened to be gym, and I was going to follow you into the locker room but, unfortunately, the PE teachers were there—wow, you passed out so fast on that sweat-infused yoga mat! You must really like yoga, huh? Meditation Mondays are really your jam, hm? Get excited because I’m gonna hit this school with the two-semester Yoga Policy so you and your stinky friends can’t fix your miserable sleep schedules with in-school naptime.

Ah, revenge is sweet.