Bees a-Buzzin’, Kissable Dandelion Fuzz

Ass. And how to get off of it.

Reading Time: 4 minutes

The great and renowned philosophers Phineas and Ferb have asked the eternal question: How does one spend one’s summer vacation? Sometimes, receiving many good wishes of “HAGS” in your yearbook isn’t enough to generate a perfect combination of rest, relaxation, revelations, and ravenous eating. Many of you may be griping and groaning over what to do during your summer break. How can you best make use of your time away from school?

We’re here to offer you several solutions to help you get off your tiny ass (the poor donkey is suffering from burnout, how could you do this to him? Or her?!) and take your summer vacation in stride!

Below is a list of commands.

  1. Burn all of your notebooks for warmth. Take deep breaths in the smoke and compose the hit track of the summer to the tune of the smoke alarm’s cries. Do you smell that? That’s the smell of a fresh start. Might start off in the hospital, but we don’t talk about that… It’s a start, regardless.
  2. Work at an outdoor ice skating rink. You’ll have the whole rink to yourself! Some people may say that, much like the 11th-floor swimming pool, an outdoor ice skating rink in the summer doesn’t exist, but don’t believe them! After all, the 11th-floor pool certainly exists—just ask Principal Yu. Go on, I dare you.
  3. Get a head start on your winter shopping (coats, scarves, the lot)—very cheap! Once you take inventory of all of your purchases, cut all of them into crop tops. Don’t forget to cut the scarves! This is a very economical way to save money, as economists say.
  4. For the freshies: it’s a great time to decide what university you will attend—even better, decide your future job! Start applying now. Apply to everything that is listed on Mr. Blumm’s Opportunities Bulletin—trust us, you won’t regret it.
  5. Start brainstorming ideas for the next Spec issue. Wait, not all of you are in The Spectator? Lame. Spend the summer thinking about what you’ve done, or rather, not done. 
  6. When summer arrives, it is the absolute perfect time to (try and) forget about everything in school. Be like a goldfish! For inspiration, we suggest getting a pet fish. Perhaps one that looks like it’s wearing a yellow toupee or one that quizzes you on SAT vocabulary words. Sorry, what did you say? Is he not in the bowl anymore? What do you mean he escaped? Something smells…fishy here. What was that noise? …Who’s there? Hello?
  7. Okay, a new writer has taken over. The previous one was mauled by a fish. Well, what can you do? New suggestion: succumb to the Fish Takeover, quit school, and join this fish’s school.
  8. REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT! That pesky, hairy fish took your dear authors hostage. Yet, with our brilliant wit, we gained our freedom and are back to providing you with more agreeable human content.
  9. Practice being able to walk exclusively on your toes. You never know when this skill might come in handy. In toe-y. In tow? Research has shown that this is the single best way to make a good first impression.
  10. Train your siblings to fetch the paper, sit, make your breakfast, etc.
  11. We know that it is only a matter of time before the elf in the PA system who sings a beautiful note at semi-regular intervals retires. His name is Blarfengar (pronounced “Sam”), and if you have time in July, make sure to stop by his retirement party. He can’t eat dairy because it’s bad for his voice, but his guilty pleasure is Babybels. Don’t tell him I told you this, but if you get a head start on learning how to yodel, you might be a strong candidate to take up residence in each of the bells in every classroom simultaneously. Imagine all of the learning you’d be able to do, peering out from the little holes and deciding the perfect time to interrupt lessons or declare a student to be late to class. I believe this is what they call a “leadership position.”
  12. Ask your cat to teach you how to always land on your feet. After the harrowing experience of AP season (when you took 10 APs) that all your pets refer to as “the horrors” in conversation among themselves, it’s about time you take a page or two from the book of a creature with nine lives.
  13. Cheer up. This is the only allotted time in the year you have to be fully happy. Stop thinking about how school starts again in two months! School, school, school, stop thinking about school! Do not. Don’t you dare. If you think about school, I’m going to get you. I will swim into your room at night and steal your fish food.
  14. Excuse me. Ahem. We apologize for that. The fish took over again. Not bad advice from him, actually, but his murder record is really something that we cannot ignore. Over the summer, if any of you develops a conclusive argument as to whether one can separate the art from the artist, let us know! Until then, the Fish is safe in his fish bowl. Wait, where did he go? Have you seen him? And what’s this note here?

“To my dearly detested Fish-keepers:

This summer will be the most thrilling one you’ve ever had. And if it’s not, then you clearly aren’t following my advice. Seriously, think outside the box! I thought outside of the fishbowl, and look where it’s gotten me! I can read and write entire letters now. I can do anything.”