Bad Grade Week at Stuy Causes Students to “Tweak Out”

As most of you are aware, our second marking period in the 2024-25 school year has officially been completed. Our community is reportedly overjoyed to have less than two-thirds of the year left to deal with! Unfortunately, the teachers’ glacial grading pace and piles of missing assignments have led to the executive decision of placing all tests at the same time—the last week of the second marking period. 

We at the Humor Department, of course, knew this would lead to unmitigated disaster. We decided to set up a box where people could write about their marking period mishaps anonymously, as well as ask any willing students about their test week. Beware: results are dangerous…ly hilarious. 

“Bro, I was literally cooking on my drafting assessment until I realized my entire isometric was 1/16 inch off. My teacher took off 71 points—out of 70! I burst into tears when my math teacher told us to take out graph paper,” one sophomore recalls with a shudder. “The drafting trauma is real, guys.” 

“I got a 94 on my AP Chem test,” junior Better Danu told us. An audible scoff was heard from our reporter. “I KNOW!” Danu wailed. “It should have been a 97! I’ve never received this bad of a grade in my life! Actually, I change my mind; please don’t put this in your article. I’m too ashamed.” 

“I studied so hard; I had sleep paralysis later that night. I literally saw my soul leaving my body… It actually felt kinda good,” Vio Letta Megohome admits. 

“Oof, my algebra test was awful. My calculator stopped calculator-ing, my brain stopped braining, and I spent so long studying last night that I fell asleep in the middle of the test. I felt even worse for another kid in my class, though. He was reduced to literal tears when he saw the graph paper part,” a sophomore laughed. “Drafting kid, probably. I don’t regret taking a full year of CS at all!”

“OMG, I had 70 tests, 15 quizzes, and two DBQs last week. I didn’t know what to study, so I didn’t study at all. Let’s just say my grades went… into the negatives. I’m planning on using these mad CS skills to intercept the marking period two report card before my parents see it. Can you not include my name? I don’t want this to get back to my mom.”

“My American Lit grade is HORRIBLE!” the suffering and panicking Apels Ann Banannas exclaimed. “I busted my butt off every day and made sure I knew enough about what we were reading and tried my hardest to talk every day, AND participated in class reading! You wanna know what I got for participation as a result? A 62! The kid next to me got a 100, and he doesn’t even do his HOMEWORK!” the distressed Banannas yelled as she began to sob in dismay.

“Dude, you think that’s bad?” a student of the same teacher interjected. “On the last essay assignment we had, I poured out my heart and SOUL into each and every one of my arguments and theses. You could argue it was on par with the likes of ARISTOTLE. I got an 80 of all grades! WHY?! I’ll tell you why. When I looked at the notes on the essay, the ONLY NOTE on the whole paper was ‘Missing Works Cited Page. -20.’ MIND YOU IT WAS ONLY ONE BOOK! WHY DO WE EVEN NEED TO CITE THAT?”

“I had a really big Calculus test last week,” an anonymous student wrote. “I went to the bathroom 5 minutes before the period started, like I always do. But then I accidentally made eye contact with somebody through the gap of the stall door, and 3 seconds later, somebody else ripped a super loud fart. I’m talking atomic-level loud—people heard that on the other side of the Hudson. I just knew the person I made eye contact with thought I did it, so obviously I couldn’t leave the bathroom until it was completely empty. Which just so happened to be two minutes before the school closed. My teacher won’t let me retake the test cause he thought I was ditching! He is technically not wrong, but I wasn’t about to risk social annihilation for a test!”

“I was grading tests, and my best student got a 68…the highest grade in the class,” a disappointed unnamed teacher reported. “What is wrong with these kids?! This new generation of students is too focused on their phones to be paying attention in math. Maybe if I give them more work, they’ll go back to normal. Yes! I think I’ll give them three hours of DeltaMath, due tomorrow. That should fix those, uh, angelic children that I definitely don’t think about failing on an hourly basis.” 

Unfortunately, we were unable to identify the teacher above and therefore could not stop the deluge of DeltaMath. 

Unlike your collection of unfinished online math work, we hope you enjoyed this collection of misfortunes! Of course, we can tell that the second marking period, notorious for going by the fastest and having the most stressful projects due, continues to be the bane of many students’ existence. There’s no doubt that school has it out for students and that they’re trying to make sure students have the worst time of their lives before indulging in a sweet, 12-day winter break. However, keep in mind that during times like these, we must persevere, because there are still a million more tests to take next week, along with a few hundred projects to go with them. You’ll be fine, though (we hope); just make sure you’re always having a studious day!