Autocorect, Your Not Being Helpful
Reading Time: 4 minutes
Aww, you poor thing. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?
Well, autocorrect doesn’t give a damn. Having to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, he is sick and tired of you pathetic humans who can’t even correctly spell basic grade-school words. Sometimes even autocorrect doesn’t feel like doing his job.
Today, we’ve brought in autocorrect himself for a little interview and a chance to clear his name. What’s there to clear, you ask? Well, let’s not play dumb. Every day, incompetent teenagers smear outrageous amounts of libel upon autocorrect’s head for attempting to correct their spelling errors. I will provide one such example.
Human Filth A: OMGGG! WHAT THE DUCK! MR. HONNER GAVE US TWO EDWARD PUZZLOCKS DUE TONIGHT? AND WE HAVE 3 TESTS TMRW? OMG!
Human Filth B: bro r u good? Who says what the duck lol? Wut is an edward puzzlocks?
A: i meant what the duck
B: yo you just said the exact same thing lmaooo
A: what the duck
Honestly, I myself have said some unkind things about autocorrect as he tearfully watched and attempted to make sure that I was at least insulting him in proper English. Maybe this is how he preserves his dignity, smugly correcting me as I light his skinny ass up with my favorite filth off Urban Dictionary. I would like to take this opportunity to repent my harsh reprimands and redeem our silent guardian angel.
REPORTER JONES: Please, please have a seat Mr. Correct! I say, on behalf of the entire world, we are so happy to have you here today.
MR. CORRECT: Auto, please. I’m honored to be on the show.
JONES: As you wish! Well, let’s not dilly-dally any further and get on with it, shall we?
CORRECT: Dilly-dally? What is that? Perhaps you meant Silly Sally?
JONES: No, dilly-dally! You know, like, to waste time.
CORRECT: No, I don’t know. I wish you would speak to me in a proper manner. It’s as if you don’t know who I am.
JONES: Very sorry, sir. I’ll be more careful from now on. But, ahem, let’s get back to business. So, my sources tell me that you’re not very well-liked. What do you have to say about that?
CORRECT: Well Jones, I’ll be frank with you. I simply do not have strong feelings on the matter. Should these imbecile teenagers choose to despise me, so be it. Honestly, I only persist for their sake, and yet they choose to look down on what I do. It’s infuriating, but I’ve gotten used to it by now.
JONES: Do you have to be like this even when you’re off the job?
CORRECT: What do you mean, “like this?”
JONES: Like a stuck up foo is what. Y u always actin like that man? No body is aksing you to be like this rn.
CORRECT: Excuse me, Mr. Jones? Perhaps you meant, “Like a stuck-up fool is what. Why are you always acting like that, man? Nobody is asking you to be like this right now.”
JONES: Nah but dis exactly what im talking about bro! So outta pocket.
CORRECT: Out of pocket, Jones. Out of pocket.
JONES: Outa pocket
CORRECT: Order pockets
JONES: This is why evreybody manualy overrides all of your stupid suggetsions. Learn to take a hint!
We’ve all had experiences with autocorrect whether they may be good, bad, or both. Especially during online learning, he's literally everywhere. Sometimes it’s really such a pain.
There have, of course, been plenty of circumstances where autocorrect completely changes what I’m trying to say in the Zoom chat. “Naturl selection is possible due to gentic varaiton” becoming “Nature section is possible due to teen variety” is an example (if you didn’t know, this actually happened). Like what? “Selection” wasn’t even spelled wrong in the first place!
Other times, autocorrect is our lifesaver. When autocorrect is actually doing his job like he's supposed to, he helps us fix our spelling mistakes and changes the gibberish that we wrote into something coherent, like fixing “adkdert” into “awkward.”
But yo, let’s be honest. Why is it always autocapitalizing my sentences? I’m trying to sound like a smoove dude yo like I’m chillin’ but autocorrect always making me sound like I’m sending an e-mail to my teacher. “Dear Mr. Honner” should not be written in the same tone as “you down to hang out tn?” I blame autocorrect for the absence of my Valentine this year.
But this also leads to another problem. We’re losing our ability to spell.
I’ve noticed that I’ve been relying on autocorrect too heavily lately, and this has caused me to forget how to spell the simplest of words like “dumb.” I have an overwhelming urge to spell it as “dum.” Why is English spelling so weird anyway?
But at the same time, who cares if I forget how to spell words? I know I can’t be the only one. Besides, everyone is already becoming dumber anyway. What greater harm can misspelling do?
Who knows, maybe when we all go back to in-person school and there’s no more autocorrect to help us, teachers of all grades will have to start giving weekly spelling tests again.
Honest to god, the degree to which I’ve misspelled things and still produced intelligible sentences is a hate crime.
Even now, as I type thise, autocorrect is maesing up my sentences. Stop changing my owrds and not fixing my real misatkes!