Are You Socially Inept?

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Issue 1, Volume 112

By Kyle Hon Chan 

It’s the day everyone has been waiting for. Foxy News Headquarters is filming in person for the first time since quarantine started, where the two fan-favorite reporters, Patrick Billingsby and Jan, are given the go-ahead to start filming the seven o’clock primetime news. For their first day back, they’ll be reporting on what schools will do to stop the spread of a new virus: social ineptness. Little do they know that everyone, including themselves, is victim to this new disease that has been plaguing the Earth after months of isolation. Here is a transcript of the behind-the-scenes:

Patrick Billingsby (PB): Hey Jan.

Jan (J): Hey Pat. Good morning.

PB: How are you?

J: I’m good, you?

PB: I’m good. I just can’t believe we’re back at Foxy News Headquarters shooting together again.

J: I know, right? I can’t believe we’re finally at Foxy News Headquarters together again!

PB: That’s what I just said.

J: Oh yeah! Whoopsy doo!

Producer: Okay, we’re going to go on air in a few minutes. Just a heads-up in case you didn’t go over your script like you were supposed to, but we’re talking about social awkwardness after quarantine due to COVID.

PB: What’s COVID? Oh yeah, that virus, right? *chuckles*

J: Very funny, Pat.

Producer: All right, we’re going live in five… four… three… two… one… Action!

PB: Welcome back to Foxy 5 News with PB and J. It’s Patrick Billingsby and today, we’ll be covering social awkwardness after the pandemic.

J: Hi everyone, it's Jan from Foxy 5 news. We have received reports from the Department of Education that students will be required to attend “Socially Distant Touching Classes,” where students will gain new connections with classmates via skin-to-skin contact, but still follow the Center of Disease Control guidelines. My fellow reporter will go into more detail about what will happen in these classes. Socially Distant Touching Classes will be two hours a day and mandatory for all students. NYC DOE Chancellor Peisha Morter says, “Many students have not had the luxury of feeling any sentient being within the quarantine, and with this new class, students will be able to forge deeper bonds with one another, breaking through the ice of previously taboo acts.”

PB: Jan, you stole my line! Jeez, can you even read? AND you literally just repeated what I just said. Oh my god, how did I get assigned such a dimwitted partner? You weren’t good before the pandemic, and now you’re even worse!

Producer: Um, Pat, we’re still live, so you might want to just stick to the script and dial it down a little. Just go to the next part.

PB: Fine. Uh… schools are also mandated to remove all free periods, including lunch, from students’ schedules so they can spend more time having supervised social interaction. Students will not be permitted to eat lunch during the school day, as Chancellor Morter states that it is “a waste of school time.” Thank you all for tuning in to PB and J news. This is Patrick Billingsby for Foxy 5 News.

J: And this is Jan, from Foxy 5 News. Have a great night.

Producer: And… cut! Alright, that’s a wrap. Great job today. See you next Monday!

PB: Bye.

J: Nice seeing you.

PB: Nice seeing you too. Have a great weekend.

J: You too.

PB: Alright bye.

J: Yep see you next time.

PB: Okay, I actually have to go now, see you.

J: Bye.

The two reporters then proceed to awkwardly walk away from each other only to realize later that they parked their cars in the same area and were going the same direction. The rest of the journey is filled with silence and awkward staring, here in the Twilight Zo—wait no, this is still Earth, never mind.