Apple Unveils New Virtual Assistant: Alexis

Apple reveals a hot virtual assistant, Alexis, to compete with Samsung’s Sam.

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By Joanna Meng

Earlier this week, Samsung’s new virtual assistant, Samsung Sam, was released. Despite her less-than-legal age, the commotion over the virtual assistant was more than Samsung had seen in many years. Artists clamored over drawings to post to get free likes, meme pages did their thing, and various thirsty subreddits were made. However, all this attention caused some companies to come out of the woodwork. And, like always, Apple had to steal the spotlight, unveiling the “Alexis” virtual assistant in a keynote a few days after Sam’s release.

This keynote was only available to reporters and the occasional weeaboo oil magnate, much to the chagrin of the many “stans” of Alexis already outside. Inside the event, Apple CEO Tim Apple introduced Alexis. “She’s like Samsung Sam, but hotter. She’s also of legal age,” he said. One reporter dared to clap at this remark and ended up getting promptly escorted out of the presentation.

Some of the new features that come with Alexis include the option of “virtual cuddling,” which allows you to “hug” Alexis by rubbing the screen with both of your hands. As you’re rubbing Alexis, you even have the option to share this hug with your friends and family through AirDrop.

Besides the virtual affection, Alexis brings an updated voice to the AI, described as “hotter, sexier, and better” by Apple. Alexis also comes with the unique feature to “deepfake” herself into any photo, allowing users to finally look like they have girlfriends.

Over the course of two days, Apple reportedly “spent a lot of time and effort reinventing Alexis into the same thing but with a hotter profile picture.”

“It was very hard,” commented Head of Research and Development for Apple Alex Fruit. “We had to make a virtual assistant before the meme became irrelevant, just like this article.”

The response to Alexis was mostly positive, with seemingly the only complaint being that “she isn’t real, sadge.” “Why isn’t she real?” asked weeb Kyle Weeve, clutching his “MAKE HER REAL” protest sign. “She could have been, like, my ultimate gamer girlfriend. We would have played League and Overwatch, and I would have called her ‘kitten’ affectionately.”

There was also criticism from non-weebs such as Alexis Talahasse, a suburban mother of three from Texas. “First of all, I don’t like my name being used in such a horrid manner. I don’t want my name to be the same as some ‘virtual assistant,’ nor do I want people ‘stanning’ over it. This product is an incredible offense to the name Alexis, and I will be filing my complaint through my Facebook group of mothers.”

Alexis will be released alongside the iPhone 13, as no software update will properly do her justice. The price range for the iPhone 13 is expected to be between $1,000 and $2,000 because no Apple customer can buy a product without taking out a second mortgage. Apple expects Alexis to help boost profit margins by 300 percent for the year, maybe finally outdoing Amazon in stock price.

But before that release, Apple announced that they would address the issue of Alexis not being physically tangible. As Apple is the second corporate overlord, they have a solution: “Alexis isn’t real and can’t be touched or held. This aspect is why we at Apple revolutionized haptic feedback with the iBodyPillow™, allowing you to touch and feel Alexis with your weak, mortal hands.”

When questioned about the reasoning behind the iBodyPillow™, Fruit stated, “We created the iBodyPillow™ because we wanted to one up Samsung. Those lesser quality phones don’t deserve such a high quality virtual assistant like Sam, which is why we made our own. Also, we all wanted to cuddle her. I want my waifu in my arms as I sleep.”

The price range of the iBodyPillow™ is within the budget of most of Apple’s customers, coming in at the low price of $1,000 for just the pillow cover. For the actual pillow, the price goes up to $1,001, having optimized their production by using child labor in the Congo. “The price range is because of the very limited supply, in addition to allowing resellers on eBay to thrive off of our products. It’s very affordable for the top one percent like me. I couldn’t care less about the peasants,” CFO Alan Pear said when questioned about the price.

The preorders for the iBodyPillow™ and the iPhone 13 (which went live two hours after the keynote) instantly sold out. The resale value of these products is expected to go through the roof, rivaling even the BTS Meal Among Us chicken nugget.