Humor

An Open Valentine’s Day Reflection to My Sweetheart

An obsessive admirer expresses their adoration for a Zoom classmate.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Hello,

From the moment we were put into a breakout room, I knew that we were destined to be together. You turned on your camera for attendance, and that’s when I noticed your sparkling eyes, accentuated by the deep, dark bags that hung below them. I felt my heart rate quicken—either as a result of your beautiful face or the three cups of coffee I chugged down prior to class. I would like to think the former.

Perhaps you’ve noticed me before? We were in a breakout room together that one Tuesday morning. I think we were discussing chemistry, but all I had in mind was the chemistry between us. You and I remained for the last 60 seconds of the call, pretending to be productive. But to be honest, I just stared at your face, neck, parched morning lips, and hunched back when you turned around to yell at your siblings to get out (I wish I were them). You were…perfect.

Remember when we annotated the same paragraph on Perusall? I was your first upvote by the way. Oh, and also the time where I purposely misspelled “ay lov yu” on Jamboard just so I could watch you type “I love you” back to me. Sometimes I raise my hand during class right after you raise yours, not to participate but rather to imagine I’m holding your hand in mine. Mind you, my participation grade has dropped a whole 10 points for doing this, but in the end, it is all worth it in the name of love. And just a few weeks ago, when we signed up for that extra credit opportunity on Google Sheets, my name was right below yours!

Don’t forget that one time when you screen-shared during the breakout room. I noticed you had left an e-mail tab in the upper left corner that read stuywritingcenter1@gmail.com. So, I sent a hundred love letters disguised as essays to the writing center, with the hope that one of them would be edited by you. Sure enough, you, the diamond in the rough of all the other insignificant writing center editors, finally edited my 99th essay. You commented, “Overall, I don’t understand what your piece is about because you didn’t attach a prompt. Frankly, I’m quite confused by your paragraph structure, and you had many grammatical errors too.” Thirty words I shall treasure for the rest of my life.

And then, on Valentine’s Day, I received an e-mail notification from valentines@stuysu.org saying I received a love letter. It said, “Love you fam!” I could only presume that this was from you, my one and only. Oh, how I had been waiting for this joyous day! Your diction made my heart flutter. It’s amazing how such a short and simple phrase could evoke such profound emotions. I didn’t know you considered me family!

Anyhow, I took this as a sign that you reciprocated the same feelings I had toward you. I replied back to you through the platform with my contact information and a prompt for your address so that I may visit you. But weeks have passed since Valentine’s, and I have yet to receive your response. Are you in danger, my love? Wherefore art thou? Unless, this is a test of my will to love, in which case I shall persevere like an eternal flame dancing on the wick of a candle (that is my love).

In the meantime, I’ve been following all your siblings and relatives on social media, as per my position in your family. I found your sister Beatrice on Instagram, and I sent her a few messages saying she was my sister-in-law. Could you tell her to unblock me, please? It’s really ruining our bonding. I also found your parents on Facebook. Aw, you look just like them! You have your father’s eyes! I was scrolling through their profiles, and I found so many family pictures. The thought of joining such a loving family was so heartwarming to me that I took the liberty of photoshopping myself into your group photo at the beach.

Ultimately, I respect your bowndries, bodries, and bowanorees? I don’t know what that word means but I’ve heard people in serious relationships use it. That being said, it’s been almost three weeks since you’ve last contacted me, and I am beginning to feel very lonely :(. I’m starting to wonder if you really consider me family? Only you can mend my broken heart.


Eagerly anticipating your response,

Your beloved <3