Alternate Timeline Movie Reviews
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There are many different realities in the multiverse, and each one has movies like ours. Intergalactic movie reviewer and journalist for The SpecTater from Universe #KHC46a John Bryans has visited over 400 realities to watch alternate-timeline movies. Here are his most recent reviews.
“Time to Die” (2021): 0.07/5 stars
It's been nearly seven years since the last James Band movie, and the renowned spy is back. Band is faced with an extra layer of challenges, figuratively and literally. With the COVID-18 pandemic going on, mask mandates are tight. Masked for the duration of the movie, Daniel Craig, who plays the lead role, said, “It was the safest set you’ve ever seen—masks and social distancing on and off the screen.” However, microphone quality and visual aesthetics took a big hit. Masks were printed to look like the actors’ faces, but they were printed in 360p, and the mouths were just an idle smile, even while actors were talking. Microphones were also placed inside masks, so all you can hear are gasps and pants during fight sequences.
During the film, Band is faced with an unoriginal challenge: a new crime syndicate named M.A.F.I.A. is killing people. Per usual, he infiltrates the group and falls in love with someone who is obviously the spy (to no surprise, he doesn’t realize until the very end). Overall, this new movie simply lacks quality. It really is “Time to Die” for the Band franchise.
“Dune” (2021): 1.69/5 stars
Starring Timothy Chalamet and Zendeya, Denis Villeneuve’s “Dune” has finally hit theaters, and… it’s absolute trash. Fittingly, this story plays out a sprawling desert, if you can even call it a story. It’s just two grownup children playing with sand. That's it. That's the whole plotline of “Dune.” It’s still better than James Band, though.
“Super Smash Bros Ultimate” (2018): 5.01/5 stars
“Super Smash Bros Ultimate” is the hottest new movie of the decade, and for good reason. Beloved characters from all Nintendon’t games fight against each other in a masterfully animated masterpiece. All 89 playable characters share the limelight in this teenage thriller/coming-of-age movie. Focusing primarily on Wario, Kirbee, and Wii Fit-Trainer, the trio looks for and fight the final boss, Sherlock Holmes. He’s turned to a life of crime and spends his time robbing banks instead of solving spine-tingling mysteries. The three heroes use their signature moves to defeat the sleuther. Many are calling this the “Avengers” of the Nintendon’t universe, and it leaves audiences wanting more.
“Marvellous’s Avengers Endgame” (2019): 0.08/5 stars
Even though it’s one of the biggest box offices of all time for all realities, “Endgame” in #KHC46a flopped like a pancake. Featuring time-tested characters, like Steel Man, Doctor Normal, Sergeant America: the Spring Soldier, White Widow, EagleEye, and the Black House Cat, one would expect a brilliant amalgamation of the breathtaking movies Marvellous has put out.
However, the on-screen chemistry for all of the characters just didn’t work. Pitted against the intergalactic Titan, Thanus, the Avengers were tasked with training animals to fight on their side to little avail. This resulted in an anti-climactic final battle, in which the animals were wiped out in a single snap. Directors attempted to spread out the fight with the remaining Avengers, but it was clear that they were outclassed on the battlefield. While audiences were promised a masterpiece that was at least on par with other movies, “Endgame” was disappointing and third-rate. Still better than Band though.
“Jungle Land Trek” (2021): 420/5 stars
Dwayne “The Stone” Johnson’s latest movie has finally hit theatres. Forming surprisingly good chemistry with Emily Sharp, the movie was a hit. The Stone displayed his acting prowess once again, waging war against the bland screenwriting with a heaping helping of eyebrow raises. Looking for some ancient treasure or something, The Stone “beast-modes” his way through enemy tanks, harsh jungle conditions, and a certain German dictator. He really brings out the buffness required to play the character, as well as the wits and smarts he has to double-cross his once assumed allies. Although the writing was bad at best, The Stone is such a wonderful actor that he saves the film in style. Did I mention his muscles and bright white teeth?