All Your Friends and Family Hate You, Admit Your Family and Friends

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Issue 9, Volume 111

By Jordan Barakat 

In a series of anonymous one-on-one interviews, all your family members reported that you are their least favorite member of the family. Whenever you are around them—usually during dinner, because you’re a lazy freeloader who only knows how to eat, sleep, and use the bathroom—there is an estimated 99 percent drop in their quality of life. When you go back to your room to waste your life away on the computer like the loser you are, their quality of life once again returns to its usual level. That’s not to say it’s a healthy one, mind you. The fact that you are even in their proximity is enough to bring down their overall happiness to life-threatening levels.

The reasons why your family members wish that you were aborted vary, but there are a few apparent trends in their sheer rage at your existence. For the most part, they agree that you are a total loser who spends all your time trying to achieve validation on social media. Your family also states that you are somehow a nerd who spends all your time doing schoolwork, and at the same time, such an idiot that you thought the number two wasn’t prime and got into a 10-minute argument about it. They also asserted that you don’t carry your weight in the house, instead expecting everyone else to dote on you and pay attention to your every need like you’re royalty and not a pathetic teenager living in a small apartment with your extended family, destined to flunk out of community college.

Sources tell The Spectator that while you spend all your free time talking to your supposed friends online instead of doing anything productive, all these friends also hate your guts. Even though they act nice to you in the group chat, the only reason they do so is that they are under the false assumption that all your other friends love you; to mention that they actually think you’re really ugly and annoying would be social heresy. Your friends do indeed talk behind your back in their DMs about everything you say that is considered even remotely horrific. They just don’t want to mention it to you because they know you’re such a horrific mental trainwreck of a human being that you can’t even sustain the tiniest bit of criticism.

Your friends and family were forced to admit that maybe your existence wasn’t a total detriment to the human condition, as they said you brought all of them closer together. That is, their shared hatred toward you has brought the group closer. Your extended family has meetings every month when they eat dinner and pretend they’re eating your dead body instead of pork. Your friends are currently planning a party on your birthday that they are actively not inviting you to because you’ll just drag it down. They’re buying a piñata with your face on it.

When you encourage your family and friends to simply share their feedback with you, they respond with a straightforward “no” because you’re such an egotistical scumbag that you probably won’t take any of their comments to heart. In fact, they say, you’ll probably disregard everything said in this article after you read it. After you mope around for a few minutes about it, of course. Because you’re a loser.