All The Best Bodily Organs You Should Totally Neglect

The human body is an insanely complex machine—one of the most complex on Earth. It has survived wild, wild things, like seven lightning strikes and falling 33,000 feet without a parachute. Yet, despite this, despite all the ways our bodies are maximized for survival, they can still seem really dumb and inefficient. Allergies to water or the sun? Falling down a flight of stairs and feeling nothing, but then I try to step out of a car and my ankle is horrifically sprained? And perhaps most universally: dumb organs. Some things just seem so stupid, one wonders: How and why is this still around? Shouldn’t it be cut for, like, production cost or something? I think we could really lower the production cost of humans if we got rid of some useless toes. Here, therefore, is the full list of useless organs I would personally suggest cutting or… neglecting. I guess the average Spec reader hasn’t figured out how to hit “Delete” on portions of the human body yet. Disappointing. 

1. Wisdom teeth

These come in between the ages of 17 and 26, so if you’re reading this, you probably have time left to simply never grow them—why would you want to anyway? Wisdom teeth serve no real purpose. They hang out so far back in your mouth they’re impossible to brush, or to use when eating, but don’t worry! They still get dirty anyway! Then, later in life, you have to waste time painfully removing them since, for a majority of people, they don’t even fit. Why would you need teeth that can’t even fit in your mouth? And paying, once they come in, to take them out again, in this economy? You can’t even sell the teeth to George Washington anymore, and that could have helped cover the cost of removing them. All around, I rate wisdom teeth 0/10. Useless.

2. Brain

This organ is the source of all of your problems. Overthinking? Your brain’s fault. Stress and depression? That’ll be the brain. Getting accepted to this school and having to go here? Damn STRAIGHT, that’s your brain at work! Get out, brain! You don’t help with anything!

3. Appendix

You can cut it out of you and not notice. No one actually knows what it does, though scientists are considering that it may help us deal with the gravitational pull of Neptune, or it could be the source of our conscience. The only purpose we’re sure the appendix serves is to eventually get inflamed and cause needless pain. And then you have to surgically cut it out! Dear reader, you know it’s not worth keeping around. Just get rid of it now and save future you some trouble!

4. Heart

I have sources for this one. The renowned, respected academic voice Taylor Swift said in her study, “The Last Time”: “You break my heart in the blink of an eye.” How horrifying! This organ, which human beings generally rely on, can be broken by some “You” in just the blink of an eye! If one of your employees is this incompetent in working for you, then the obvious consequence is to fire them. 

Another, similar statement is made by intellectual Katy Perry in her dissertation, “Teenage Dream,” saying, “My heart stops when you look at me.” If an organ will just stop, abandoning all its responsibilities, in response to something as small as a look, that is a terrible organ. What a disgrace! 

5. Leftmost toe on the left foot

Not sure if it’s an organ, but it’s mad useless. The other toes allow you to balance by themselves, while this one is too weak and stubby to help them. The only thing this appendage is good for is banging on walls when you’re already stressed and rushed, forcing you to keel over in agony and become more stressed and rushed; that’s the worst justification I’ve ever heard.

6. Rightmost toe on the right foot

Please see the above. Left foot, right foot—it’s all the same.

7. Nervous system

This is the thing that makes you nervous—it says it right on the tin, “Nervous system.” You definitely don’t need those nerves in the last five minutes of your test! In fact, I declare that nerves are completely useless. If there is no problem, why do you need your nerves?  If there is a problem, you can either do something about it (why waste time being nervous?) or you can’t (why waste time being nervous?). Therefore, the nervous system is unhelpful, and can get right out!

8. Subcutaneous tissue

I have no idea what this is. Therefore, it must be completely irrelevant and unimportant.

9. Olfactory Epithelium

This is the part of the body that lets you smell things, but I haven’t had a sense of smell since 2021, when I caught COVID. And I’m totally fine! I’m completely healthy, mentally and otherwise, which is clearly demonstrated in that I am writing right now for Spec Humor, and that is something only completely sane people do.

So clearly, the sense of smell is not that important. In fact, as you get on the subway day in and day out, you’re better off not being able to smell the urine and various questionable substances lying around! The only place you might want a sense of smell is if you’re getting up close and personal with some flowers, but speaking as someone with no sense of smell, you don’t even notice that the scent is gone. You won’t know or care what it is you’re missing out on.

Well, that’s that. What do YOU think? Which organs do YOU think are completely useless and shouldn’t be here? Let us know in the non-existent comments section.