Advice For The SAT
Issue 13, Volume 113
By Seth Fenton
The week that determines your self-worth—SAT week—just passed, and yet, most of y’all already know that you’ve failed yourself, your parents, and your friends. What self-worth? It’s nonexistent.
Luckily for those who have decided to pin their hopes on future SAT exams, Spec Humor’s resident testing wunderkinds are here to provide you guys with the tips and tricks necessary to ensure you get the minimum score of 1610 that your parents expect from you.
The first and most important thing you can do to maximize your score is to perform a ritual blood sacrifice to give your immortal soul to College Board CEO David Coleman. Only his esteemed visage can bless you with the incredible mental fortitude to stay awake during what may be the most boring test of your life.
Assuming the Great Coleman has found your soul an insufficient price for his aid, you must turn to another method of preventing sleep during the exam. There are numerous ways to go about this, including repeatedly pinching your arm, consuming copious amounts of chocolate, and using the Spec Humor favorite: an IV line of coffee.
Since you’re a Stuy student and have most likely already taken AP Calculus DE, this guide is just going to assume that you’re prepared for the math section. So on to the most terrifying section for Stuy students: grammar. We here at Stuyvesant High School consider learning actual English grammar a crime against nerd-dom on par with touching grass and therefore do not delve into its arcane rules. However, to do well on this test, you must face this most daunting precipice.
Now that the blood sacrifice is complete and you’re finally getting somewhat close to your perfect score, there’s still one more type of question you have to prepare for: those rare multiple choice questions that seem to have two answers with exactly the same meaning. Like, as a totally hypothetical example, a question with the answer choices expanding and growing, which both mean to get bigger. There’s only one way to account for these incredibly annoying questions: hack into the College Board database and steal the answer key for each testing form. This is a feat your average Stuy student can casually accomplish, as College Board’s cybersecurity is famously comparable to that of PupilPath.
Now you’re finally ready to ace the SAT, but there’s one last question that needs to be addressed: What happens if you still manage to do poorly on the exam? At that point, you only have one option left: purchase a fake passport and flee to the snow-capped mountains of Siberia. You must adopt the life of a reindeer hunter—it’s the only way to escape the specter of your disownment-worthy test scores. It’s not like your crippling social anxiety won’t kill you anyway.
That just about wraps up our guide to the SAT. If you follow this guide precisely, you’ll be sure to get the elusive 1610. You might even attain the Spec Humor average score of 1630, though for you normal people that might require more blood sacrifice. Even if you don’t manage to get a semi-decent score, remember that one test doesn’t define you, and plenty of people are incredibly successful in the taiga. Good luck!