A Stuy Guide to Mastering Your New Year’s Resolutions

New year, new you. Take our advice, and prepare for another year of academic and social excellence as we dive headfirst into the pool of Stuy students’ most common resolutions. Brace yourselves for this guide to your goals that will probably expire faster than the milk your dad went to buy. Time to master the art of gaslighting as we promise to change our ways!

1. Get more friends.

How many more days can you spend eating lunch alone in the Hudson staircase, trying to pretend that all the couples being all lovey-dovey in there don’t exist? You’ve decided that this year, you’re going to find some solid friends to start a social life with… but you don’t know where to start. There’s one method that never fails to work: compliment them. Specifically, their nostrils. Say something like, “Ooh, I like the shape of your nostrils! They remind me of the zeros I got on my physics tests.” Not only will you cause them to appreciate an otherwise undermined body part, but they will also realize just how unique your thinking is! 

2. Improve your time management.

You were never one for planning out your projects or studying for your tests in increments. Doing it the day before was always more your style. But just as the number of years you lived has increased by one, your wisdom has also been heightened. Why waste a day when you could get it all done in half the time? Got an essay due at 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday? Start it at 11:15 p.m. on that Wednesday. The pressure of finishing on time will send adrenaline rushing through your veins, and you will end up writing some of your best pieces yet! 

3. Glow up! 

After spending over a thousand hours scrolling through Instagram and Pinterest, you realize that you need some work. I mean, when was the last time you actually washed your face? But there’s potential, and that’s why this year, you’re going to manifest the glow-up that will shock the century. I know it’s hard, but you need to shower every day, not every month. Also, drink more water! Bring that massive Stanley Cup with you wherever you go. If anyone tries to tell you to put that thing away, especially the gym teachers, hold your ground and yell back. You can’t be a pushover anymore!

4. Eat healthier.

After all the hard work you do every single day, it’s reasonable to treat yourself. But during times like this, you need to remind yourself that one silly idea doesn’t have to ruin your wonderful eating habits. It’s all about starting slow: for every chocolate bar you have, try also taking a bite of broccoli. Wow! Six whole nibbles! Your fiber levels are about to go through the roof.

5. Get richer.

This year, you’ve decided you need to make some money… and fast. The reasonable thing to do here would be to go job-hunting, but that hasn’t worked out too well, hence why you’re banned from Target after “getting caught raiding the chips aisle” and why the mom of the kid you tutored got a restraining order against you. Think outside the box! Go buy the realest looking fake Gucci tracksuit and follow around every rich person you can find. Be their friend, marry them, or roll over and say “woof.” The point is, you need to get close to them so you can start leeching off their money. Or, if you somehow fail at that too, annoy them so much that they throw money at you to keep you away! 

6. Get smarter.

Most people start the new year celebrating with their loved ones and watching the infamous ball drop. Instead, you got an ultimatum from your parents: Fail one more test and you’re out on the streets. Cramming, hosting study groups, or being an extremely good person the week before haven’t helped; you’ve been doing it for every test so far and have never managed to get above a 60. Time for a brand new method: the night before every test, shove a textbook under your pillow and sleep on it. All the information will penetrate your skull and seep into your brain. I guess your head might hurt, but you know what they say: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… and smarter! 

7. Get more sleep. 

Everyone knows Stuyvesant students are dangerously sleep-deprived. There’s nothing you can do about the huge pile of homework your teachers dump on your shoulders every night. And it doesn’t help that your hands have a mind of their own and you find them putting on Breaking Bad every day for three hours straight. I mean, what are you supposed to do, turn it off? What an atrocious idea. To make up for lost time, try sleeping in classes instead! If you sit in the back, you’re already set, but if you sit near the front, watch some 5-Minute Craft videos and whip up a crazy pair of glasses to hide your closed lids. Don’t forget to ask your new friends to let you know when the teachers walk toward you. Jump up and start gaslighting them: “No, I wasn’t sleeping. Yes, I’m sure. It’s 2024, no one sleeps anymore anyway.”

8. Spend more time with family. 

Between school, homework, and extracurricular activities, you barely have time to see your parents anymore. The last thing anyone wants is to feel like they’re living in a house with strangers. This year, you’re going to spend more time with them before you’re off to college. Some wise man somewhere probably once said, “There is nothing more important than family.” Not even school. All you need to do is skip your classes. When are you going to use trigonometric functions in the real world, anyway? Instead, chill at home with your siblings, and push off your homework so you can spend time with your parents when they get home from work. School is temporary, but family is forever. 

9. Improve mental health. 

This past year was really hard for you, especially after suffering through your first AP tests, difficult classes, loneliness, and the death of your great aunt Belinda. You’ve found yourself wondering if it really gets better. You’re too broke for therapy, you don’t really have anyone you can talk to, and school hasn’t been getting much easier…. and that’s where you’re wrong! Yeah, you have no friends, but that’s because everyone secretly thinks you’re too hot and is afraid to approach you. Sure, you got a 49 on your English essay, but the teacher clearly made a mistake and meant to write 94. And is your sweet auntie Belinda really dead or has she just decided to elope with a much younger man and is now in Antarctica enjoying the penguins with him? I guess you’ll never know. Delulu is the solulu!

Remember, be confident in your abilities. But if you screw up, there’s always 2025!