A New Foray Into Holistic Admissions

We are living in troubled times, uncertain circumstances, an interesting period of history, facing novel challenges, and so on. These challenges present themselves in a unique way for rising seniors, who are battling for spots at the country’s most competitive colleges. But fear not: in the past two weeks, six Ivy League schools have shed more light upon the hazy decision processes to be used in consideration of the fact that schooling last year was admittedly somewhat wobbly; many students also didn’t have the chance to take the SAT or ACT. Though different schools’ proposals have varying details, there has been one major detail in common at the forefront of these reveals. The schools, and most likely others following in their footsteps, will be considering astrology in place of standardized scores.

The 2021 application to these schools will include, in lieu of any numerical grades, a lengthy zodiac analysis. “We’ve been wanting to add something like this to our application process for a while,” said Rheia Jecter of Yale’s admissions department in an e-mail sent out to all students who’ve ever thought “Man, wouldn’t it be cool to go to Yale.” “A true aggregated view of a student naturally involves how well they’d work with other students and teachers. In order to encourage a more welcoming and compatible student body, astrology is a natural concern,” she added. She went on for several paragraphs about how diversity considerations involve more than just helping minority students fight against the ingrained prejudices and historical disenfranchisement in higher education, and also, could you even imagine what a class of Virgos would look like? In the interest of holism, of course, every student’s full chart will be under consideration. (For those who don’t have a full analysis of their chart, the College Board provides this service for only $300.) Other schools taking this approach have addressed concerns regarding time zones and students who don’t know their exact time of birth. The assurance came in the form of platitudes about how we’re all going through this troubled time together.

Tarot readings and auras are also prospected to be a major part of the Class of 2021’s application process. With quarantine having caused a great degree of financial insecurity and mental health strain, colleges want to ensure that students have the proper means to deal with such issues. Thus, students with prosperous futures in their cards, as well as those with more stable vibes, will be offered a leg up in admissions. Such readings are reportedly all done by one elderly woman named Madame Helga, who is to be paid seven percent of all the future donations made to the six Ivies in question by students accepted through her “seeings” in order to push her to pursue more prosperous prospectives.

Neither Madame Helga nor any admissions directors could be reached for comment on the clear inequalities exhibited in these judging processes. For instance, applicants from Chicago, Madison, and the whole of Wyoming will have a competitive leg up over other students since Mars was in the third house over those areas in 2003. Another concern has been that aura reading over Zoom might prove more unreliable for students with worse technology—it’s hard to judge a student by their cover when said cover comes via spotty WiFi, a glitchy virtual background, and a stunning 144p display.

Stuyvesant’s college counselors have encouraged students to approach admissions similarly to before these announcements—that is to say, panic over which teachers are the best at writing compliments, save essays until the last minute, and make important decisions based on where one’s significant other mentioned being kinda interested in once. Several teachers, namely those teaching AP Social Psychology and Sci-Fi, have been fielding a sudden influx of requests for recommendations. Overall, the new astrological method of application is unquestionably a startling and unexpected development, but the general student consensus seems to be “Who cares?” With so much up in the air these days, it’s hard to say whether the changes will even be implemented or whether a new approach to holism will sprout up a week from now. Whatever’s in the cards, though, rest assured that our friends at the College Board and school admission offices are looking out for us!