A Guide to a Quiet Halloween

Halloween is a time where kids of all sizes and ages collect potentially dangerous sugary delights from shady strangers they will see once in their lifetime. It’s the only day where you can choose to not wear concealer and not get bullied, and pranks are abundant.

However, let’s say your uncle traumatized you when you were little by eating and spitting out mayonnaise and pretending to be a pimple, making you disgusted at the thought of this holiday. Don’t worry. With this handy guide, you can finally be at peace with yourself again!

Make your displeasure evident

No one likes hearing their doorbell ring because of random strangers, and everyone hates bratty kids knocking on the door. These knocks and rings won’t go away so easily if you just ignore them. Instead, make sure they know you’re not open for business.

Do not just open the door and then proceed to calmly explain that you are not trick-or-treating. Not only will you have a bunch of kids crying on your front lawn, but you will also be forced to give out candy to stop the sobs around you.

Instead, dress like Jason Voorhees by wearing a hockey face mask and carrying a chainsaw. Everyone will think you’re in the Halloween spirit, but when you use your chainsaw, they will know. In just minutes, everything within five blocks of your house will be completely silent, leaving you with free candy dropped from frightened children and free toilet paper from wimpy pranksters (although it might be a little damp).

Educate people

As the most time-consuming method, this is rather risky, but as long as you choose people well, it is completely rewarding. Simply gather a group of very young children, and educate them about why Halloween is bad. Feel free to do so by any means you want, perhaps by also eating and spitting mayonnaise and pretending to be a pimple. Being influenced at such an early age, these children can pass such information down to others, and only more people will know about it over time. You’ll then be able to relax by solving the problem before it becomes a problem.

Invest in demonic power

As one of the most classic pieces of witchcraft, this act involves a few everyday objects: sacred oil, candles, scantron with a failing score, leaves, a black cat’s eyelash, and a straw of a broom. Simply burn the oil, arrange the symbols in a pentagram, light the candles on the pentagram, place the paper, leaves, eyelash, and straw in the middle, and then pour the oil over it. Once this is done, you will be greeted by a devil’s advocate (played by Robert Sandler) who will grant any wish you want in exchange for your soul. Despite the seemingly steep price, most Stuyvesant students do not need a soul thanks to their educational environment, making deals with the advocate surprisingly affordable. That’s right: if you’ve ever wanted to beat up Lil Timmy for stealing your prom date, you can do it however you want with satanic forces! Even better, you can pelt unsuspecting trick-or-treaters with hell fire for practically nothing!

If the thought of approaching one of Satan’s lieutenants scares you, simply bring someone like that kid who flexes his 66.6 in Multivariable Calculus to an altar in the middle of nowhere and perform a sacrifice! Though this is guaranteed to work as long as you have a wish, this is considerably more illegal for obvious reasons. The Spectator is not responsible if you go to jail from following these directions; we’re just here to help.