A Day in the Life of a Cafeteria Table

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Issue 1, Volume 110

By Veronika Kowalski 

Hey there, fellas. It’s me, your usual spot in the cafeteria. All the way in the back corner, under those recycling posters written in rudimentary Spanish with the sides all gunked up. Since my friend Nellie the Trash Can and I take all your crap every day, I believe it’s high time you buckle down and pay attention to what we have to say.

First, you’re always blasting music from your JBL Xtreme. When it works, it works, but when it doesn’t, it sucks. Also, please sit up. Hate to tell you this, but manspreading is going out of style these days. Second, do I look like a trash can to you—err, I mean, a garbage dump? Sorry, Nellie. This isn’t a restaurant. There are no waiters to clean me after you leave. By 8:05 a.m., I always have more abandoned boats than the Bermuda Triangle. You guys are gross. And no, the cafeteria staff aren’t supposed to be giving Nellie a tour of the room. That’s not their job.

R.I.P. to the teacher who decided to gently remind students to have decency. Her self-assigned duties lasted less than a day because, apparently, no one could hear her, even through two loudspeakers and a microphone.

There are even more problems on the other side of the cafeteria. My cousin, the robotics kids’ table, has his own issues. He’s got to deal with the incessant banging of frustrated students who realize the vending machines are greedier than they seem. They take your money and don’t even give you the food. One time, he told me a freshman even tried to crawl up the shute because his Doritos got stuck. He almost made it all the way in, too, except his backpack wouldn’t fit.

Now that you’ve heard all this, I trust that you’ll observe that the contents of the compost bin are rising faster than the ocean’s sea levels. The actual trash bin, however, is as untouched as a senior’s Common App account. This is due to the mystic Marissa Maggio, who implements social change without ever stepping foot in the realm of the Cafeteria. We feast our eyes on her stunning bottle cap portrait. We thank her for occasionally supplying us with defense for Nellie’s basketball games. She protecc, she attacc, but most importantly, she raise the stacc.