A Compendium of Changes to Lake America

Lake America is one of the five Great Lakes of North America and the only lake of the five Great Lakes that is great again. It used to be a region of high biodiversity, but recent executive orders by President Trump have made efforts to reduce diversity in the region. It was previously occupied by Canada. Fortunately, our brave, strangely sentient executive orders have occupi—er, liberated the region for America, making the local fauna now proud, gun-carrying American citizens. 

Before it was liberated, Lake America could only be described as disgustingly Canadian. The local fish would line up for food and constantly apologize to each other for constantly forgetting each other’s names. Hockey was the lake’s primary sport, although freezing parts of the lake all year long did have a tendency to drive local fish populations crashing down. Anything to play hockey. To compensate for the constant hockey injuries, the lake also had universal healthcare. But of course, they had to pay taxes for it, something Americans never do. Strangest of all, however, was the fact that the pre-liberation lake was composed not of water, but of maple syrup.

A local miner struck oil on the lake floor on August 26th, 2026. American executive orders grew legs and “liberated” the region from the famously totalitarian nation of Canada on August 27th, 2026. Following this triumph, the region has seen an increase in the average weight of the local fish, roughly correlated with the number of McDonald's that have opened in the region. The average weight of a brown trout was 322 pounds, a stunning 320-pound increase from last month that has left eminent marine biologists like Phil A. Ofish shocked, on August 28th, 2026. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” he mused, “I guess these fish are thriving off American benefits.” The change may be because portion sizes increased seven times, but that’s just a guess.

Inhabitants of the lake have also kicked off a furious debate about the shape of the Earth. The local Flat Earth Society has seen an explosion in membership in conjunction with record fish illiteracy rates. Who knew fish could get even more illiterate? When we spoke to local shopkeeper and loon(ey) Fisher, he was extremely frustrated, bemoaning that the idiots “didn’t even know that the world was shaped like a french fry.” 

The proud Americans who inhabit the lake have also been getting more enthusiastic about the prospect of owning an AK-47. A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center found that gun ownership increased 97 percent while assault rifle ownership in particular increased 200 percent. One local zebra mussel, Whitney, snapped at reporters after the term “gun violence” was mentioned. “It’s people violence, not gun violence. I mean, yes, it’s done with guns. But it’s the people. Calling it gun violence is like calling stabbings knife violence,” she said. Her brother Blake said, “Personally, I think it’s fish violence.”

Lake America is now a bastion of freedom against the Canadian hordes, full of machine-gun-owning trout, flat-earther salmon, and proper America-weight fish. The incorporation of the lake into American territory is a huge policy success, as the expansion of America weighs on the WHO.