A Catalog of Friends (and Other Associates)

A comprehensive analysis of every person in every friend group at Stuy.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Cover Image
By Celeste Hoo

Stuy has some interesting characters, but how many are in your friend group? Find out who you know and who you are here.

The Ringleader

Plans leave the group chat through this person only, and they dictate every last detail. From the activities to the food to the color of everyone’s underwear, no detail is beyond their control. Their charisma ensures total cooperation as the rest of the group falls over each other to follow the Ringleader’s orders.

The Grandparent

If you’re totally confused by the sentence “The food was bussin no cap,” you’re probably a Grandparent. In that case, you need to learn the meaning of every slang term you can possibly hear. Do this by browsing your meme source of choice for at least eight hours a day. You’re already procrastinating by reading this article, so why not add a mountain of memes?

The Matchmaker

Some people simply aren’t ready for love. This Cupid-like figure is determined to change that. They will pair up anyone they see as cute together just for the sake of it. To them, freshie-senior relationships aren’t weird; if it works, it’s destiny.

The Schemer

After being raised by ocelots, Dr. Doofenshmirtz attempted to take over the Tri-State Area. Your local Schemer might not have such a tragic backstory, but any spark could have pushed someone down this path, even the death of a pet rock. Regardless of their reasons, they definitely have big plans. Maybe they’re looking to steal nuclear codes for leverage to take over the government. Perhaps they’re plotting to steal Elon Musk’s wealth. Regardless, a Schemer cannot be stopped once set on reaching a goal. Except by a fedora-wearing platypus.

The Observer

They know everything about everyone. The deepest traumas. The darkest secrets. And yet, no one knows anything about them. Are they just a crazy therapist giving away free counseling in a capitalist society? No, surely not. They must be collecting dirt to use for extortion. Maybe you should reconsider how trustworthy your own confidant is.

The Infectious Laugher

There are many kinds of laughs. Some have hearty chuckles. Others have demonic wheezes. But the best are from those who simply can’t stop laughing once they start and force others to join in. Collective, sustained laughter brings people together, but it can be weaponized. Keep it going for long enough, and some will pass out from asphyxiation. Once that happens, they’re ripe for organ harvesting. It may not be ethical, but they definitely die happy.

The Necromancer

It’s widely known that all Stuy kids are dead inside, but what about outside? Well, death won’t be a problem anymore. Even if your body gives out, you can still graduate with a little help from a friendly Necromancer. As long as the reanimation is done before the brain decays, mental abilities will be intact! Some teachers and students have complained about sharing classrooms with dozens of corpses, especially because of the smell (the locker rooms are rumored to have killed four people already), but this provides equal opportunities for living and undead students alike. How great is that?

The Cultist

This friend is less in the group and more in a cult. The largest one at Stuy is the Japanese Media Club. Its members are infiltrating other clubs, including the Student Union and The Spectator. Their recent attempts to turn more students into weebs using the OwOnaviwus were unsuccessful, but there is no telling what dangerous method they will turn to next. Perhaps a weeb-turkey alliance. What are you—AAAAAHHHHHuuuwwwuuu **Cowwection: the JMC is totawwy hawmless and has no pwans to take owver Stuy.

The Wegular Pewson

This individuwal does not exist. If a Stuy kid cwaims to be nowmal, they are wying and instead fall into one of the other categorwies wisted here. That incwudes you. The Spec Weader.