3 a.m. Shenanigans

BEEP. BEEP. You hear something blaring—a fifth period fire alarm? You realize it’s the middle of the night and you’re safely in bed. Wait, what time is it? 3 a.m.? Why did you set an alarm for 3 a.m.? 

Suddenly alert, you sit up, panic coursing through your veins, your heart racing as you frantically search through your foggy memory for any reminder of why you had set an alarm for such an ungodly hour. It surely must have been important? There’s a nagging feeling that you have to do something before tomorrow. 

You glance at your phone, and there it is: 3,344 notifications. Coincidentally, that’s the exact number of students at Stuy! For a brief moment, you revel in your popularity. Then, reality slaps you in the face.

staivisan classmait     now

bro finish the assignment we gotta submit

staivisan classmait     now

there’s no way ur sleeping rn u eat like 10 caffeine pills every day

You try to calm yourself down as you feel your chest begin to tighten, each breath becoming more laborious. Breathe in. Out. In. Out. Panicking is not going to help. You have to make a plan of action. 

First, you open up Valorant. Nothing helps clear the mind more than a good virtual shootout. In the heat of the game, the digital world starts to merge with reality and you swear you see Mr. Simon looming over you, confiscating your phone just as you’re about to submit a crucial project. 

Another notification pops up.

staivisan classmait     now

dont be surpirsdd if u dont see me in skool tmrw bc my moms gunna kill me when i get a zero on this assignment tmrw

staivisan classmait     now

u better dig me up from my grave

Okay, maybe you needed to actually start on the assignment now. You open up Google Classroom, go to the assignment, and start skimming through it. As you dive deeper into the task, the lines on your screen begin to blur. You’re too tired to actually do the assignment right now. What should you do?

Aha! You search up “cat gpt.” Maybe it’s time to embrace the future and use this new A.I. bot everyone’s talking about—work smarter, not harder. You copy-paste the assignment into the website, and it spits out the following:

“Meow, meow meow meow, meow - meow meow! Meow meow, meow - meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow, meow meow - meow meow? Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow - meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow, meow meow - meow meow meow meow, meow meow.”

Hmm. Was the teacher asking for a bunch of meows? Maybe. You didn’t really read the assignment, but that’s probably what she was asking. CatGPT couldn’t be wrong.

You copy and paste this meowsterpiece into a Google Doc, send a screenshot to staivisan classmait, and hit the submit button. Slay! You finished the assignment in five minutes, and could now go back to bed. Actually, there’s time for one more Valorant game. Or maybe it’s time for a quick run to Starbucks to get some coffee for the school day? Oh right, you switched to caffeine pills. They’re cheaper.

Keep this epic work up, and maybe, just maybe, your parents will love you again.