2019 in Science

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Hear ye, science kids! Has the winter got you down? Do you feel like all you need is some groovy science to lift your spirits? Never fear, here are 10 GrOoVy discoveries that are coming out in the new year!!!!!!!

1. Research suggests that as humans age, they lose the ability to turn just their neck to talk to you and must turn their whole body.

2. Studies show that in the year 2030, student debt will rise to three billion dollars. The student’s name has yet to be released.

3. A poll of the U.S. revealed the shocking news that 98 percent of Americans believe determination to be a country made up of the determi tribe.

4. Scientists at IBM have built a supercomputer working on facial recognition, but have reached a snag, citing that they “still can’t get it to tell the basic white girls apart.”

5. Scientists publish report saying opening and closing both eyes at the same time is still the most comfy way to blink.

6. Experimenters attempt to put a name to the awkward run-walk thing you do when a car lets you pass.

7. Statisticians at the College Board report that their blood-sucking terrorist organization has brought smiles to thousands of seniors worldwide.

8. Brian Moran issues citywide report subtly suggesting that the Stuyvesant escalators may have slight mechanical issues. Administration quakes.

9. Pearl E. White to compile the largest ever compendium of casseroles; soccer moms flock to her suburban home.

10. Apple releases report that Airpod users who talk on the phone with them have increased general public discomfort by over 1000 percent.