160 Miles Apart

When asked who their biggest inspiration is, most kids would probably name a parent or a celebrity. However, for me, that answer has always been my sister.

Almost four years my senior, my sister, Sofie, is my north star. She is who I go to whenever I need advice or help. Whether that be schoolwork or personal dilemmas, she has always been there for me.

Except, not anymore… because she’s currently 160 miles away at college.

After living our entire lives together in New York City, Sofie has moved out for college and left me alone to pick up the pieces. This is a big change for our relationship. I’ve never been so far away from her for so long before, and honestly, I’m uncertain how to feel.

Sofie is who got me through middle school, and then, my freshman year here at Stuyvesant. She has endured my crash-outs and late night stresses, and I owe a lot of my academic success to not only her advice, but also the model she has set for me.

My sister is, what I could only describe as, a high achiever. By the end of her high school career, she had averaged nearly a 98 GPA, was the president of several clubs, and the winner of multiple awards. As a younger sibling, the pressure to live up to all she has accomplished is daunting. However, at the same time, it inspires me to work hard and do my best.

Sofie’s dedication to school has been incredibly important for me to witness growing up. If she were less disciplined and failed to complete assignments, it would’ve set a bad precedent for me, worsening my outlook on school, and I thus would have undervalued its importance. Additionally, without her experience writing for her high school’s newspaper, I likely would never have thought to write for The Spectator here at Stuyvesant. However, she learned so much through her time there that it inspired me to do the same.

Yet, there are times when living up to her standard feels impossible. My sister attended a top high school in the city and was accepted through an entrance exam. I, on the other hand, failed to get into the school at both the elementary and middle school entry points. I felt like the inferior sibling in front of our parents. 

Leaving for college is a big change for her. I remember all the late night discussions she would have with my parents about colleges, and choosing the right one was an incredibly important but difficult decision. When she finally landed on the college she did, we were all excited but also weren’t sure exactly what to expect.

Move-in day was an important test of whether she had made the right choice and would fit in well with the other students. After a long, stuffy car drive, we arrived at the campus. Despite having fewer students than Stuyvesant, her liberal arts college is huge and very well-funded. It’s far from any cities, which means the environment is super clean, and there was a noticeable difference in air quality compared to New York City.

When we finally met with other incoming families, all of us were relieved to find that Sofie would be completely fine. For me, watching her talk and get along with the other new freshmen allowed me to confirm that she would be well and happy there. Since Sofie has spent her whole academic career at a single school, going to a new school, especially one so far from home, will be a big change for her. However, I am confident she will be able to find her way.

Yet, that reassurance doesn’t diminish the loneliness at home. Life is different without my sister. There are days when I come home, expecting her to be there, but she isn’t. She’s 160 miles away at college.

It’s still strange for me to wrap my head around the fact that we will never eat, live, and sleep under the same roof again aside from short visits here and there. As someone I’m extremely close with, my sister has been such a big part of my life up until now. I remember playing in the surf on the beach together as little kids and stuffing our faces with our grandma’s delicious home-baked cakes.

It’s hard for me to say how this new change will affect our relationship. It scares me to think that we will likely never spend as much time together again as we have in the past. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t try to reach out; we’ve already called a couple of times since she’s left to catch up on life and chat.

For me, moving forward means continuing to dedicate myself to my schoolwork and extracurricular activities while making sure to call her on the weekends. Sofie will always be an important part of me, whether she’s here physically or not.

Less than a week after she left, I took a trip to her old room because I missed her presence. It was the first time I did so since she left. To my surprise, the room still felt very inhabited. Batches of paper littered the floor like they always have, and the family computer was still on her desk, as if she had only used it a couple of hours ago, instead of many days ago. Curious, I opened it, and despite the mundane contents—a Spotify playlist, some Google Docs full of work, and a couple unfinished YouTube videos—it was a very eye-opening experience.

For much of my life, I had put my sister on a pedestal. After all, she was almost four years older than me and a big inspiration for everything I did. Seeing her tabs of work was very humanizing for me. I realized that her success didn’t come just from an inner power, but from grit and determination.

Although I can aspire to be more like her, I shouldn’t define myself in comparison to her. Whether I got into the school she did or if I achieved as high a GPA as she did, my achievements, both past and future, are valuable in and of themselves. They do not need to have their worth assessed by how they compare in relation to someone else.

I’m not sure the loneliness at home without my sister will ever fully go away. Still, I recognize that this is an important step forward in both of our lives. I’m excited for my sister to venture out into the world, and I know that she’s got this. Although life will always feel a little strange without her, that just makes the time we had and will have together all the more precious.