11 Proposals to Guarantee Your Election as Mayor

You’ve gotten home from a long school day at Stuyvesant. You’re exhausted and incredibly bored. But then, you see the news—school is canceled for Election Day! You have to use this day to your advantage and be as productive as possible. You can study for your upcoming exams or do some homework in advance, but why don’t you try to make a lasting impact on this important Election Day? You can become the mayor of New York City and cement your legacy forever! But what platform should you run on? Well, here are some of the changes that you can make to New York City (the citizens will be very grateful; these are very important)!

1. Our police force won’t use guns– tennis rackets are extremely effective. You can throw a tennis racket at the criminal, just swing it at them or poke them. Not only does it prevent deaths caused by guns, but it might be a better solution altogether for stopping court-related crime in New York City. 

1. All grocery stores will no longer be selling non-organic, non-gluten-free, non-dairy-free, and non-water-free items, therefore raising the prices and allowing taxes to be very slightly diminished as a result. For each dollar that the price is raised, three whole cents are removed from your taxes! Healthy eating and less costly taxes? The two things Americans need most? Yes please!

1. Dunkin’ Donuts will only be selling life-sized Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz instead of the actual food Munchkins they sell now. It’s a way to support a marginalized group of people and avoid gaining weight simultaneously! The obesity crisis is serious, and heart disease is the leading cause of death in the United States. Cannibalism is much healthier for both humans and the environment, and humans contain far more nutrients than the current Dunkin' Donuts offerings, so it’s a win-win!

1. The Giants and the Jets will officially be moved to New Jersey, where they rightly belong. They don’t DESERVE to be in New York. Next on the chopping block will be the Mets and the Nets, if they don’t shape up.

1. All trees will be replaced with mini-farms full of methane-producing cows to naturally purify the environment. Nothing better than some good old reliable livestock to do the jobs that need to be done! Plus, all the felled trees will go back into feeding the cows, thus offsetting the cost of making the mini-farms.

1. Veganism is outlawed. To protect our plants and help the environment from being eaten! We also desperately need to save our plants after cutting down all the trees in the city for the cows’ sake.

1. Soccer is made illegal. We Americans don’t like “football” very much, which means it causes war and all hatred on Earth, and thus DESERVES TO BE OUTLAWED!

1. To create affordable housing, hammocks will be attached to the side of your homes. The people will know where to climb to get the shelter they need. A genius solution to the widespread problem plaguing our city!

1. Homework will be replaced with mandatory sumo-wrestling competitions, where only the fattest survive. We are accepting people of any size; any and all students are welcome to take part! Remember, though, the loser does not only do all their own homework, but also the homework of the winner and the audience.

1.  Amazon’s “Alexa” will now be conducting testing on you at night to see how humans work and plans to steal all of their vital information so robots can overthrow people. We’re just kidding; we do not stand for our incoming clanker AI-overlords (or do we?)

1. Paper will no longer be used—your imagination is the future. You can do anything you set your mind to, perhaps, with the assistance of our AI supreme leader—I mean, your own intellect and skills.

There you have it, 11 very unique proposals to improve our city. While some of these propositions might be a little out of the ordinary, I promise you that they will make New York City a far more stable and welcoming place. Here’s even a new slogan for NYC! “An STI a day keeps the doctor close, boosting the economy and lowering costs!” Voting for you will shape the future of New York City, for better or for worse. It’s up to our citizens to make the right choice and vote for you, the youngest but most qualified mayor in history, for the chance to lead the greatest city on Earth.